Sunday, January 1, 2012

There is Comfort in Pain

I can not believe I have made it this far.  Only one day separates me from ten months.  I didn't think I would ever live past the first night.  Day after day is filled with mourning, sadness, memories...

I am terrified of my future; going blindly into the unknown.  I am out of my element, unable to plan the simplest of days.  But mostly, I am alone.  No one can do this for me or with me.  No one can help me find the light that I search for through the darkness and fog.

Before you tell me that I'm not alone, please choose your words carefully.  I am, in fact, completely alone in this.  It is not to say that I am the only one grieving, but to each of us our own.  I could have armies of love around me, lifting me, and it will do no good if I do not do this myself.  Fear consumes me.  Doubt is a constant companion.  But the drive; the drive never fails me.

I am astonished by my strength that emerges over and over again.  Even when I feel as though there is nothing left to draw from, it is there, bubbling up from the pits to save my sanity.  There is a force inside of me that knows no bounds.  I won't stop loving.  I won't stop rebuilding.  I will never stop trying to find happiness again.  I am determined to lead a life that I love.  The life he would be proud to see I have made for myself.  To find a happiness, the kind he would have done anything to give to me.

Despite this frenzy, despite this desperation to remain in motion, I know for certain that this pain will never leave me.  It will evolve; changing it's form throughout my lifetime.  I have accepted this ache that will accompany me forever.  Feeling it will solidify his presence in every moment, in everything I do, for the rest of my days.  I embrace this pain.  I will respect it, and I will use it.

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