I can not believe I have made it this far. Only one day separates me from ten months. I didn't think I would ever live past the first night. Day after day is filled with mourning, sadness, memories...
I am terrified of my future; going blindly into the unknown. I am out of my element, unable to plan the simplest of days. But mostly, I am alone. No one can do this for me or with me. No one can help me find the light that I search for through the darkness and fog.
Before you tell me that I'm not alone, please choose your words carefully. I am, in fact, completely alone in this. It is not to say that I am the only one grieving, but to each of us our own. I could have armies of love around me, lifting me, and it will do no good if I do not do this myself. Fear consumes me. Doubt is a constant companion. But the drive; the drive never fails me.
I am astonished by my strength that emerges over and over again. Even when I feel as though there is nothing left to draw from, it is there, bubbling up from the pits to save my sanity. There is a force inside of me that knows no bounds. I won't stop loving. I won't stop rebuilding. I will never stop trying to find happiness again. I am determined to lead a life that I love. The life he would be proud to see I have made for myself. To find a happiness, the kind he would have done anything to give to me.
Despite this frenzy, despite this desperation to remain in motion, I know for certain that this pain will never leave me. It will evolve; changing it's form throughout my lifetime. I have accepted this ache that will accompany me forever. Feeling it will solidify his presence in every moment, in everything I do, for the rest of my days. I embrace this pain. I will respect it, and I will use it.