Saturday, December 31, 2011

Uncharacteristically Odd Behavior

It's incredibly strange.  I reached down to pet both of my beautiful, sleepy kitties and couldn't stop looking at my hand.  It hit me like lightening.  I was ready to take off his ring.  I've been wearing in on my right pointer finger since the day that he died.  But I took it off, and with a steady hand put it into a box and into the safe.  I'm shocked at how sure I was.  Until that moment, it made me ill just to think about not having it on me somewhere.  But right now I feel so sure.  Now my ring, I feel very conflicted about taking off my own ring.  I almost want to take it off, too.  But I'm afraid at the same time.

I always thought it would be bad luck to take them off.  Like they protect me or something.  I wasn't even sure that I wanted his for myself when he died.  It wasn't until the medical examiner told me to take it that I did.  I remember that I could barely hold my hands still enough to tug at it.  And at first, I couldn't get it off of his hand; a combination of his stiff fingers and my shaking.  I had to stop myself, take a deep breath, and try again.  When it came off it was so odd to me.  I guess it's good that I have it.  But I hated seeing him without it on.  At the viewing, I traced his ring finger over and over where the band had left it's mark.  And now that same mark is on my pointer finger.  I don't know how long it will take to fade away, but I'm sure that when I take off my own ring, it will take a lot longer.

God, I'm superstitious.  And I don't even think that there is a specific superstition about taking off your wedding rings after losing your spouse.  I feel like I'll jinx myself if I take mine off.  But, come on.  Really?  I mean, what else could happen?  TJ's already gone, so it's not like taking my ring off will cause him harm.  I just can't quite describe what I'm feeling right now.  It's the strangest thing.  I can not believe I am so sure about putting his away for safe keeping, let alone that I'm entertaining the thought of taking mine off, too.

One thing at a time, Courtney.  Let's see how I do without his and go from there.

1 comment:

  1. Lovely post...I can hear your voice as you write it even though I think I have only ever heard you talk in passing a few isn't like we have ever hung out (*cough cough!!!! HINT HINT!) I think it is the symbolism, the idea of marriage and the rings. I think most of us minimize their importance unless something pushes us....