Saturday, December 24, 2011

"I knew that this was what I was meant to do"

I miss him so much.  Really, fuck Christmas.  Fuck New Years.  Fuck all of these experiences I have to suffer through without my love.  I've been trying so hard not to think about the holidays.  How I'm going to feel, how I will react.  I don't know how it's going to be.  But I know it will suck.  And before you tell me TJ would want me to be happy and thankful and to remember the good times, spare me.  The bottom line is my husband is dead.  No amount of thinking happy thoughts is going to distract me from this fact.  I appreciate people trying to help, I really do.  But right now, there's nothing that can be done to combat this misery.

Tonight, I refined my search in TJ's emails.  Gmail is so great.  I typed in my name and this is the first entry of his journals that came up; he's talking about our wedding day.

"For Courtney and I, today was the whole world, almost like the
culmination of everything that we knew.  This day held so much for us.
So much planning and joy and agony went into this shit.  Now, it was
about to happen.  It was just this entity that had been brought to
life, and now it was moving and breathing on its own.  There was no
longer any control of the events that were about to transpire.  The
planning was over; it was time to live the reality of what we had
I remember being astounded at the church, amazed by the people that
were coming through the doors.  I had forgotten some of the names that
were on the lists that we'd been working on for months.  But the
people just kept coming.  It was fucking surreal.  So many friends and
family members came out, and looked as happy as we looked.  I remember
being so filled with love and anxiety.
I was nervous during the ceremony.  I wanted to make sure I had the
words down right, and I almost fucked them up.  Lucky save toward the
end.  I wanted to adjust my tux.  When I sat down, it bunched up in
the front, reminding me that I should have unbuttoned the jacket for
when I sat down.  Now I felt like a complete dork and was a little
But honestly, the people were not too much of a distraction,
hindrance, or source of terror.  Eventually, I came to know that they
were all here to see  Courtney and I get married, and they were
supporting us.  It helped for me to feel the love for her and to concentrate
on that feeling.  I knew that this was what I was meant to do, and the
purpose of this whole thing was our love.  It put me at ease, let me
just experience the experience."

Reading this makes me unbelievably happy yet completely and totally fucks me up at the same time.  I can't believe I had that love, and now it's just fucking gone.  Gone gone gone.  I mean, God.  Just read that!  He wrote that to remember.  To remember the feelings, to put himself back into that moment.  That's why I write.  To record the moment.  I guess it may seem obvious that he would write about our wedding day.  But how he wrote about it blows me away.

That love, it kept me fully alive.  Now, I don't know what I am.  I want to feel it again.  It lifted me always and I need it now.

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