Monday, December 26, 2011

Horrifying Nightmares

I just can't shake it.  I don't understand how they're back.  I can get how I would have all of those abandonment dreams in the first few months, but last night they were back with a vengeance.

It was present day and I'd been mourning TJ for almost 10 months.  I was in the store and bumped into him, and was totally flustered.  He saw me, rolled his eyes, and approached.  He proceeded to tell me that he faked his death to get away from me because he hated me so much.  Then he told me how happy he was to be on his own and all about why he hated me.  I pleaded with him to come back to me.  Begging, crying, on my knees begging for him to change his mind.  But he wouldn't, and took my begging and twisted it even more to make me feel pain like I never have before.  He stood there staring blankly at me while I cried, but then seemed to let up in his harsh tones.  He invited me back to his new apartment so we could talk in private.  But it was all a trick.  He had no intentions of listening or even remotely entertaining the thought of coming back to me.  When we got back to his apartment, he told me he was living with a woman and he wanted me to meet her.   She had no idea who I was or that TJ had been married to me.  She came fluttering into the room and plopped down into his lap.  He scooped her up and kissed her deeply, calling her baby.  I sat there right next to them, tears pouring down my cheeks.  Then she left the room and he started to tell me all of the reasons why she's better than I ever was, and I defended myself as best as I could.  When I couldn't contain the pain any longer I stood up and he accused me of walking away because I was a coward.  Everything he said cut like a knife, over and over again.  But I couldn't leave his side.  I had to fight for him because living without him was another kind of pain that I just couldn't bear.  I had to convince him to stay.  But he wouldn't.

I couldn't get away from this dream.  I'd woken up 4 different times in the middle of it and tried to shake it off; tell myself it wasn't real.  And each time I finally drifted off to sleep again, it would pick right back up where it'd left off.  It was torture.  All day, I've been trying to remind myself that he loved me.  But the dream was so real, so so painful.  I just can't shake it.  In the dream, he hated me so much it oozed out of his every pore.  Very real, and very convincing.  The way his face twisted in disgust.  The way he spat the words at me.  It's horrifying.  I pray this isn't the beginning of another stretch of abandonment dreams.  I don't know if I can take it.

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