Friday, December 9, 2011

Fear, It Stunts Your Growth

Everything.  I'm afraid of anyone I love getting hurt.  Afraid of the thought that anyone I love could die an untimely death.  Could suffer any trauma.  I'm afraid of living alone.  I'm afraid of never having time alone.  I'm afraid of losing my cats.  I have the most insane thoughts.  The other day I was holding Lando and I had this horrible thought of someone killing him just to hurt me.  Someone tearing him apart, crushing his bones.  Tonight, my sister is upset.  All I can think is that she'll run away, like I did.  And if she did, would she be lucky like I was?  Lucky that nothing happened to me?  I can't bear the thought.  I'm afraid of car crashes, finding the ones I love passed out on the ground when I come home into the house.  I'm afraid of murders that will try to sneak into my house when I realize I forgot to lock the back door.  Just the other day I left the sun room to go to my room and ended up being in my room for an hour.  When I came back downstairs, I noticed Alice mewing at the basement door.  She only does it when someone has either just gone down there or just come out.  I thought it was strange, and then I noticed that the back door was unlocked and the new office door was practically shut when before it was pressed open against the basement door.  The only thing I could deduce was that there was someone in the basement waiting.  I tried to shake the feeling, and I didn't have the courage to go investigate.  So I sat on the couch and turned on the TV.  For an hour, every few minutes I'd look over my shoulder.  Waiting to hear any suspicious sounds, waiting to see the door crack open.  How am I supposed to function if that's what my mind does?  How am I supposed to live alone?  How am I supposed to be alone anywhere?  These thoughts cripple me; ruin me for any shot at truly going out on my own.

I keep thinking about the morning that TJ died.  I could have never imagined it.  I could never had anticipated it.  That scares me to death.  Knowing how things can change with no warning.  No time to prepare or react.  It can be gone in seconds.  What makes me think that it won't happen again?  I can't think it.  On the contrary, I almost expect it now.  Something awful to come.  I can't live like this.  As brave as I can be, fear still drives me most of the time.

If I'm presented with an opportunity, and it scares me,  I have to do it.  And since everything scares me, fear is my motivator.  I have to keep living, even though I live in fear.  I hope that by challenging my fears it will help me work through them, or learn to handle the panic.  The fight or flight.  But even when I carry out those actions that cause fear, I still feel it.  Acting in the face of fear doesn't take the fear away.  I just pray that the next time I am faced with it I will grow stronger from each experience.

I could have never imagined TJ's death.  What else is out there that I can't imagine?

2 comments:

  1. I am feeling very vunerable since posting this. It shows a little too much of my crazy. I am tempted to remove it, but if I do I would be acting out of fear. The fear of what you will think about me. Fear of making you worry about me and my irrational thoughts. But I am not alone. I know other people have these moments. Even though I am afraid to share my thoughts, I know that I am not living in constant fear. When I feel fear, I feel it wholly. Tonight was no exception. But, it passes, like all things. So, here it is. My fear, my crazy. I make no apologies.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It doesn't seem that crazy Courtney. We generally cope with these fears by holding the misguided notion that bad things don't happen to people like us. It's what allows us to engage in daily activities despite the risk. All of the sudden you have been thrown into a world where you can't protect yourself with the assumption that those things don't happen to people like me....

    ReplyDelete