Thursday, December 1, 2011

Creeper

How is it that when I have a really decent day, I feel like complete shit by the end of it?  I had a really good day today.  I went outside, walked through the woods, worked in my sketch book, took some photos...  And now this.  This horrible feeling inside my gut that I can't shake if my life depended on it.  A lot has gone on in the past few days that will change my near future, but that isn't why I feel so awful.

When I have a good day, when I feel lighter on my feet and in my heart, that's when it creeps in.  Knowing that I've had to try so hard to have a decent day because he's gone.  I have to work to feel better.  I can't just feel better.  I have to try.  It takes all of my energy.  And at the end of the day the simple fact is that he's still not here.  I'm still not happy.  It's a ruse.

I feel proud when I manage a day like today.  And then I realize that the only person I really want to share it all with is TJ.  And then I crash and want to curl up and cry (which I typically end up doing... the waterworks are turning on right now.)  It's like "who am I kidding?"  It's like all of this work I'm doing is for nothing if it can't be for him.  He has always been my only motivation.  I have to change that.  But old habits die hard.  I still live for him every day.  It's the only way I know how.  The way it always was.  But can't always be.  I can only find that peace when I learn to do things for myself and myself alone.  To have the desire to please myself and not everyone else.  I need to matter to me.  I've never mattered enough.  That has got to change.  But where to start?  I think this new blog will be a good first step.  It's early yet.  I don't feel proud of it like I do this one.  Does that make me hopeless?  That the only thing I can feel satisfaction and pride in is my body of work centered around pain?  I don't want to be here forever.  I try to throw myself forward, only to find that I'm tethered to him still.  Whipped backwards at odd intervals.  I never know when I'll run out of slack and be jerked back to these feelings of despair.

I'm so very tired.

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