How is it that when I have a really decent day, I feel like complete shit by the end of it? I had a really good day today. I went outside, walked through the woods, worked in my sketch book, took some photos... And now this. This horrible feeling inside my gut that I can't shake if my life depended on it. A lot has gone on in the past few days that will change my near future, but that isn't why I feel so awful.
When I have a good day, when I feel lighter on my feet and in my heart, that's when it creeps in. Knowing that I've had to try so hard to have a decent day because he's gone. I have to work to feel better. I can't just feel better. I have to try. It takes all of my energy. And at the end of the day the simple fact is that he's still not here. I'm still not happy. It's a ruse.
I feel proud when I manage a day like today. And then I realize that the only person I really want to share it all with is TJ. And then I crash and want to curl up and cry (which I typically end up doing... the waterworks are turning on right now.) It's like "who am I kidding?" It's like all of this work I'm doing is for nothing if it can't be for him. He has always been my only motivation. I have to change that. But old habits die hard. I still live for him every day. It's the only way I know how. The way it always was. But can't always be. I can only find that peace when I learn to do things for myself and myself alone. To have the desire to please myself and not everyone else. I need to matter to me. I've never mattered enough. That has got to change. But where to start? I think this new blog will be a good first step. It's early yet. I don't feel proud of it like I do this one. Does that make me hopeless? That the only thing I can feel satisfaction and pride in is my body of work centered around pain? I don't want to be here forever. I try to throw myself forward, only to find that I'm tethered to him still. Whipped backwards at odd intervals. I never know when I'll run out of slack and be jerked back to these feelings of despair.
I'm so very tired.