Tomorrow is New Years Eve. And it scares me to death, which doesn't quite make sense. I have had a completely horrible 2011. I should be running at full speed towards the promise of a new year. But I can't. I just can't.
I have been feeling intense sorrow throughout these past few months. Thanksgiving, Christmas... Christmas was busy. And sad. And lonely. Christmas day was numbing; my minds way of self preservation from madness. But the days after, those have been the worst. That limbo between one big holiday and the next.
New Years Eve was always wonderful for us. Even though our plans varied from year to year, the highlight was always kissing him at midnight. TJ was never one for public displays of affection, but at the stroke of twelve he never cared. He kissed me as if he would never kiss me again. His entire body was thrown into that kiss. It didn't matter who was around. It was as if they'd all faded away and left only the two of us; standing pressed up against one another, each pair of lips soothing the others, starting the new year off right. Filled with love and passion and comfort.
I've decided that the only way to manage any damage control is to be alone. I may not even stay awake until midnight. The thought is just too painful. The closer the 31st has gotten, the worse I feel. I want to curl into a ball so small that I eventually disappear.
I am so incredibly lonely. I could be surrounded by hundreds of people that I love and still feel the same way. It's fucking horrible.