Sunday, November 13, 2011

Up Against a Wall

I'm always working.  Always trying to think about what I want.  How to get started in the new direction.  The past few weeks have been killing me.  The pain of missing him is too great.  I can't seem to focus on anything but the hurt.  The emptiness.  Today we celebrated my birthday with the family.  It wasn't as bad as my birthday, but still difficult in many ways.

My birthday was really hard.  The only time I felt relatively normal was in the middle of the day.  Feeling that, I thought for sure things would turn out much better than I had anticipated when I'd woken up crying earlier that morning.  But I was wrong.  So wrong.  As the light faded, so did the little bit of joy I had felt.  I spent the evening with four friends.  Two couples.  I didn't feel much like eating.  I didn't feel like talking.  Everything was so wrong.  That picture of us sitting together wasn't right.  Two couples, and then me.  I feel like I float out there on my own.  This is the way it is now.  I have to get used to it.  But knowing that doesn't make it any easier.  What makes it so difficult is that I knew what that was like.  I had a husband.  I know what it felt like and now it's gone.  They get to go home and sleep next to each other.  They don't have to climb the stairs alone to a dark room.  To pull back the covers on just one side of the bed knowing the other side will remain perfectly undisturbed.  I hate sleeping.  I just can't manage sometimes.  It's the loneliest time.  I want to feel his warm body next to me.  I want to fall asleep listening to the rhythm of his breathing.  Now the bed is large, cold, and empty.  I can never get comfortable.  I can never get warm.  I'm so lonely all the time and it's fucking horrible.

I took about an hour this afternoon to go to the cemetery before our family dinner.  I needed to get outside, to see him.  I sat down on the cold, damp ground by his feet.  I just sat and stared at the grass that covers him.  Noticed the different color leaves that had splayed so nicely over his grave.  I wondered if any of our friends have come to sit by him since his burial.  Do they know how much grass is there?  Have they seen the clover that has sprouted on the lower left side of the plot?  I started to cry.  And then I spoke to him.  The darkness I've been feeling inside came out in my voice.  I wanted to scream at the ground in front of me.  Suddenly, I realized that nothing had changed even though everything has changed.   Even though I wanted to scream, I started out the way I always do; the run down.  Like he's still alive and I'm telling him what I've been up to.  It's so lame, but it helps me get started so I can dig deeper.

"I love you so much, baby.  My birthday sucked, and I went to a baby shower yesterday.  She's got the cutest baby belly.  I wonder what mine would look like if I were pregnant, too."  Then I couldn't talk any more.  I sat there in silence, tears pouring from my eyes, the pain choking the words I wanted to come next.  I don't know how such a simple thought could have eluded me for so long.  I thought to myself "I still want the same things".  I've been trying so hard to figure out what I want now that he is gone, but the reality is that I still want all of the things I've always wanted.  Finding my voice again, I told him what I want out of life.  I want to be loved.  I want to be married to a wonderful man who will take care of me and be my equal.  I want to have babies.  I want the security and comfort I know only a partnership can bring me.  And then I thought to myself "I want to scream at you right now.  What am I supposed to do with this?"  I want the same things, but how can I ever have them without TJ?  How?  I threw up my hands and said out loud "It's impossible."  I feel so old.  Thirty one may as well be eighty one for me.  There is no way I will have what I want without TJ.  It's impossible.  How will anyone ever love me as much as he did?  But I don't want anyone else.  How do I get what I want when I can't have him?  It's impossible.  I said it over and over again, out loud.  I stared at his grave and cried.  I'm so mad at him for leaving me like this.  What am I supposed to do with this?  This body?  This life?  Where do I go from here?  I wanted to yell, I wanted to demand that he answer my questions.  Just what am I supposed to do now?  Now that I've been left with nothing.

This is torture.  Knowing what I want and being pulled in the opposite direction.  Like a nightmare when you're running towards something in the distance, but it just keeps getting smaller and smaller.  Moving farther out of reach until it disappears into the blackness.  I know what I want.  I know what kind of life I desire.  But how do I get it?  How?  It's impossible.  I can't attain those goals without a partner.  And I don't want another partner.  Everything I want is in conflict.  I want a happy life with a husband and family.  But I don't want anyone but TJ.  I don't want another man.  I can't imagine getting to a point where I could love another man deeply enough to be married and have babies.

I know what I want, but I can't work towards it.  It's not something I can create on my own.  I feel cosmically fucked.  It makes me sick.

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