Friday, November 18, 2011

One is the Loneliest Number

Tonight, I wish I could be writing something else.  I've been reading my friend Julia's blog head to toe in the past few days and it makes me wish for a happier one for myself.  I'm anxious for the time that I am able to talk about something besides my feelings of sorrow.  But I have no idea when that will be.

Over the past month or so, I've found myself pulling away from people.  When they leave messages, I don't always respond.  This is not something I am proud of, and it is very unlike me to behave this way.  I'm not doing it because I don't care.  It's that I have nothing good to say to anyone.  I haven't for the past 8 months.  Everything that comes out of me is steeped in sadness, loss, and wanting.  That has got to get old, right?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing I'm right.  I wonder how many people secretly cringe when they ask me how I'm doing.  It's just that life without TJ is nearly impossible to handle.  I can't pretend that I don't feel like I'm dying each time I remember we'll never be together again.  Lately, it's easier to keep to myself.  Why bother talking about the same shit over and over again?  Or worse, talking about shit that doesn't really matter.

I'm actually sick of hearing what comes out of my mouth when it's not the right time to be honest.  It weighs on me because I want to be in tune with my insides.  Stifling what I'm experiencing makes me feel even more awful, but it's not always the right time for expressing it.  This new position I'm in is fucking tricky.  I'm alone.  I'm frustrated.  I'm tired.  I'm jealous.  Often I find myself sitting still and staring at nothing.  I wish I was someone else.  I yearn for real conversations.  Serious conversations.  I don't have patience for niceties.  I want to dive head first into the reality that is loss.  I want to know everything I can about how you're feeling.  How are you experiencing this loss?  Please share with me.  I can't hurt any more than I already do.  I want to do this together.  I'm so, so tired of being alone.


  1. "Everything that comes out of me is steeped in sadness, loss, and wanting. That has got to get old, right?"

    That's possibly true for the rest of us, and I can only imagine how true that is for you to keep experiencing.

    I feel so much sadness for you and the loss you're experiencing. When I think about contacting friends for some reason, I get an ache each time I remember that TJ's no longer there. He's left a hole behind. I still have his number in my phone, and I still have his obituary on my fridge. And there are days it feels like it never happened - and I get shocked back into it again.

    Much love, my friend.

  2. I love your honesty. Plain and simple. You don't have to talk to anyone, and you shouldn't apologize. How CAN you feel better? I don' t expect you too. You shouldn't try to put on a brave face for others, if you are feeling like shit and despair on the inside. I want so much for him to be back with you, and I am so deeply sorry that life is so fucking unfair.
    I have the Mr. T Halloween pic of TJ on my fridge. I think about him all of the time, drifting back to UMBC memories of watching the 311 VHS tape in Rob and his room, listening to every kind of music and breaking it all down. Friends that visit now see the pic of him on my fridge and ask questions and I cringe on the inside, b/c I don't want to chit chat about it, and make it more real, and make me miss him more all over again. And then I feel guilty b/c I know that pales in comparison to what you go through every second of every day. And I'm angry that there are so many assholes living well, but we don' t have TJ.