Sunday, October 23, 2011

A Future Dissolves

Life is moving forward.  Not for me, but for everyone around me.  I watch others lives develop and change in front of me.  Yet I stay still.  Not by choice.  If TJ were still alive I wouldn't feel so empty.  If TJ were still alive I could look into his eyes and tell him that I love him.  If TJ were still alive I might be pregnant.  If TJ were alive we would be moving forward into that future we saw for ourselves.  But none of those things will ever happen for me.  For us.  Tonight, I think about all of the things we won't ever get to have.  I won't see his heart swell with love for me as I tell him that I carry our baby in my womb.  The way husbands look at their wives.  The way father's look at their children.  The way father's look at the mother of their children.  I got a little taste of that once.  It was last Christmas.  I was two weeks late, and on that Christmas day I felt terribly tired and nauseous.  I could barely eat.  TJ would look at me with a face I had never seen before.  It was full of hope and love.  I can't even begin to describe it, yet it is burned into my memory.  I wish it weren't.  I will never see that look again.  I can only imagine how he'd look at me after our child was born.  After creating something beautiful together like that.  The depths it would take our love for one another would be endless.  The memory of hope in his eyes is killing me tonight.  Knowing how badly we both wanted that life.  To be settled, to be content, to be a family.  The new adventure to share with one another.  The joyous roller coaster it would become.  All gone.  I feel the pain ripping at me from the inside.  Deep down in the pits of my belly.  I feel like gagging.  I feel like retching this pain up out of me.  But it will always be there, no matter what I do.  Life goes on without us.  He is gone forever, and I am mentally gone.  I find no hint of momentum.  I can't figure out how to get started.  So tonight I allow myself to mourn the future we wanted.  The future we were right on the cusp of having before he was taken away from me.  When I think the pain couldn't get any worse, I am pulled deeper and deeper into it.  I try to fight against it, but tonight it swallows me whole.

I can't stop thinking of what could have been.  I am filled with hate.  Hate for whatever took him from me.  Hate that I am sitting here alone in a bed that is not our own.  Hate for this empty future I face at this moment in time.  I want him back.  I want to have his baby.  I want to have our family.  I want to feel all of the love that I had before.  There is nothing left.

No comments:

Post a Comment