Friday, October 7, 2011

Fear

My grandfather is in the hospital.  He has pneumonia.  And if that wasn't bad enough for someone of his age, he also has emphysema.  Every time my Dad's phone rings I am frozen with fear.  Fear that this is it.  The call to say that he's died.  The thought makes me want to vomit.  I know he's old, and that he's had an exciting, full life... but he's my Grandpa.  I'm his first grandchild, and he has always spoiled all of us.  Just the 4 of us.  None of my aunts had children.  We're it.  He has always taken amazing care of us.  Always teaching us, always doting on us, always worrying about us.

As he's gotten older, it's gotten harder to accept for me.  He's always been so strong.  So able.  It's hard to see him in such a state of dependency.  When I would feel fear and sadness about his condition, TJ would hold me tight.  He wouldn't need to talk.  He'd just hold me while I cried.  I'd wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest.  His strong arms and broad shoulders allowed him to fully envelope me.  Shield me from harm and ease my worst fears.

I was just lying in bed trying to remember what that felt like.  I can almost feel it, and yet it's so painful to try. 

TJ is gone.  And one day, we'll get that call that I am dreading.  It may be soon, or it may be years.  No one knows.  But I do know that I won't have TJ's loving embrace to hold me up and comfort me.  I miss him so much.  Oh, TJ, I need you.  You always made this easier.

The thought of losing someone else so soon is just too much for me.  And there is nothing I can do but wait.

No comments:

Post a Comment