Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Dazed and Confused

I can't stop myself from thinking about him.  It's constant.  I wish he could see me now.  He doesn't know my hair is red.  He doesn't know what my new sweater looks like.  He doesn't know about my new tattoo.  I found this really great photo of us from 1999.  We're in his dorm on the love seat.  We're so fucking happy.  I'm laughing with my head half thrown back, leaning in to his chest.  He's got his arm wrapped around me and his head tilted touching mine.  I framed it and put it on my night stand.  I leaned over tonight to look at it and something inside me snapped.  I was overwhelmed with complete and utter confusion.

Twelve years we were together.  Well, just shy of by one month.  We did so many things together.  I have so many memories.  He's been a part of my life for the past 17 years.  How can I keep going alone now?  He was always there.  Always.  He was my best friend.  I know that sounds cliche, but it's true.  We could do everything, or nothing, and have a fabulous time.  We could fly all the way to Las Vegas just to see Morrissey, or we could lay in bed and read next to each other.  Both of those things made me happy beyond words.  We went to a concert, just the two of us, in October before he died.  I really didn't feel up to it; he always joked that I was in my 40's.  But we went, and while I was dancing in the balcony of the 9:30 Club I looked up at him.  The connection we shared was blinding.  When I looked into his eyes, I saw the same love I was feeling right at the exact moment he was feeling it.  He leaned down to kiss me then, and it was one of the most exciting, most contented feelings I've ever had.  All I'd ever wanted was to settle down with him.  To build a life and be content.  To not want for anything more.  We were there when he died.  The happiest, most solid I have felt in my life.  I know he felt it too, and for the first time he wasn't afraid of it.

I can only imagine all of the adventures and new experiences we could have shared if he hadn't died that day.  Life seems so boring without him.  Almost meaningless.  I fill my time with friends.  Having lunches, dinners, low key parties.  I love my friends.  But I honestly could take it or leave it.  The outings.  The niceties.  99% of the time I would rather just sit in the same chair and not move.  I've been struggling with that recently.  Just wanting to be alone, be quiet, and not move.  I could think, or not think.  Like a permanent time out.  But there are expectations.  And I do enjoy those outings once I force myself to move.  But it just feels right to sit still.  To be alone.  That's how I feel.  Without TJ, nothing is as fun or as satisfying.  I hope that feeling subsides eventually.  But, I find it interesting that I'm afraid for it to go away, though.  I embrace those urges at the same time.  It means that he was real.  That he existed.  That our love was just as strong as I remember.  The pain has come to be a faithful companion to me.  If I can't live with TJ, I can live with the emptiness he left and cling to it.

I can't imagine anything in this world, or anything elsewhere, filling that space that was created when TJ died.  He was such a huge part of my life for more than half of the years I've been breathing.  How do I recover from this?  I can't project myself into the future and see happiness.  Not at the level we'd achieved right before he was taken from me.  Everything was perfect.  We were finally on the same path.  He had his goals that I supported, and I waited for him to be ready.  To be content.  So we could start a family and continue our adventures.  There will be so many missed opportunities for love.  For joy.  For contentment.  Without TJ, life doesn't make sense.  I'm always confused, or dazed and floating through.  My life have no purpose or direction without my partner by my side.  I have to work hard to make things happen for me.  I have to start all over.  All over.  I have no foundation.  TJ was my rock.  Everything I do feels superficial.  I feel like a shack of a person that will tumble at the slightest winds.  I really have no idea what I'm doing.  I really have no idea where I'm going.  I really just want to sit in silence and be left alone right now.  I'm tired of fighting against the grief.  I just need a break.

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