Saturday, September 24, 2011

So this is it.

The first FIRST.  In just nine minutes, it will be September 24th.  Six years ago at this time, I was trying my best to sleep.  I was way too excited to sleep knowing in just mere hours I'd marry the love of my life.  Tonight, I can't sleep for another reason.  One I could have never in a million years imagined.  This year, on our six year wedding anniversary, my husband is gone.  We will never get to celebrate again.

Our one year anniversary was a lot of fun.  We couldn't afford to do anything major, but I remember the two of us celebrating at home.  Saturday night was the evening before our anniversary that year.  We'd been home together, watching movies and drinking.  We had a serious case of the munchies, so TJ went into our tiny kitchen to poke around.  I heard him laugh, and when I went to see what was going on, he had our freezer open and was eyeing the wedding cake topper.  See, on our wedding day we just had a small one for TJ and I to cut and eat.  It was only served to the family and bridal party.  But, towards the end of the reception my mother and mother in law realized that the staff had served the entire cake, not saving any for our one year anniversary.  So they both ran around from table to table grabbing the plates with the seemingly uneaten slices.  Realizing that wouldn't work, my mother in law had it recreated for a party they had for us after we returned from the honeymoon.  After we cut it, she immediately wrapped the topper for us to have.  And there it was.  Frozen solid in layers of saran wrap, encased in a thick tupperware tub.  I told him that we had to let it thaw overnight and eat it the next day for our anniversary, but he wanted it right then.  We were both always so impatient.  So we threw it in the microwave for just a little bit so that it wouldn't melt, and had at it standing up in the kitchen.  It must have been a sad sight, but we had so much fun feeding it to each other and clashing forks when we'd dive for the same section of cake.  That's all we needed.  Just each other and some cake.  Perfect anniversary.

We never were able to do anything fancy.  We'd talked about it often, but could never really afford to go away, or do anything extravagant.  Last year we weren't able to celebrate together at all.  The week leading up to our anniversary, TJ had been sick with a bad cold.  The morning of our anniversary he was in so much pain he could barely move.  When he inhaled, his back would spasm and cause him excruciating pain.  He was a groomsman in a wedding on the 25th and so that night was the rehearsal and dinner.  I begged him to  go to the doctor.  How could he stand up straight or have any energy in his condition.  So he finally went.  When he got back he told me the diagnosis: a lung infection that caused him to retain fluid in his muscles around the outside of his lungs.  He was so completely wiped out just from going to the office and back that I had to take his prescriptions to the drug store to be filled.  The doctor gave him a pain killer, a new inhaler, and steroids.  I called a friend while I was waiting for them to be filled.  I was trying to sound normal; discussing with her the plans to meet up since her husband was a groomsman too.  But was so worried and upset that I ended up crying with her on the phone.  Finally, I made it home to deliver to him what he needed most.  He popped his first dose and we headed for Gettysburg.  The wedding weekend was a whirlwind, and come Sunday TJ was pooped from the illness and all of the excitement and running around.  He sat on the couch and told me we'd start saving right now so that we could go back to Canada for our 6 year anniversary.  We'd honeymooned there.  We could only afford to go for 4 days, and we'd always wanted to go back and spend more time in the places we found on the first trip.

We could be in Canada right now.  We could finally have that anniversary we'd talked about.  But life had other plans for us.  No more anniversary toasts to each other.  No more sweet kisses.  No more dreams of Canada.  No more dreams of any kind.  They're all gone.  Everything we ever wanted now for our lives is gone.

It's 12:07am now.  I have no idea what's in store for me today.  I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up.  I found out today that someone removed the empty Wild Turkey 101 bottle from his grave.  I wasn't sure if I could go there tomorrow, but now I will.  I need to take him some more.  I remember on our wedding day he wanted to do a round of shots with the boys during the reception.  The bartender said he couldn't serve shots, but he could serve singles in tumblers and then winked at him.  I know if he were here, he would most certainly be celebrating with some whiskey.  So, as his loving and devoted wife I will take him some whiskey.  I'll even do a shot with him.  He used to try and get me to do shots with him all the time, especially with whiskey.  I never did like it.  He would look at me with puppy dog eyes and say "If you loved me, you'd do a shot..." so TJ, I love you.  I love you to the moon and back again.  And to prove it I'll come visit you tomorrow, even though I don't know if I can handle it.  And I will do a shot to show you how much I love you.  I'll even go to the spare garage and dig out your favorite shot glass.  The one you bought at the BC ferry on our honeymoon.  Hell, after that I might just drink the entire pint.  I don't know.

All I know is that I miss you.  I've never felt so empty.  Please help me get through.  I just can't imagine how it's possible.  So just do something, ok?  I love you.  Oh, baby, I love you.  I will love you forever.

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