Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I feel like I'm dying

My brother was able to hack TJ's computer and give me his email password.  I've spent the last three hours sifting through years and years of journal entries.  I'm not even close to finishing them all, either.  I think in the last hour I read all of our chats that were saved.  Seeing our typical banter is killing me.  Reading those exchanges makes me feel like he's still here.  It's so familiar and safe.  And then I remember that he's dead.  I want to talk to him again.  I want him to make me laugh again.  I want him to make my heart race again.  I miss him so fucking much.  I want him back.  Our life together was so wonderful.  We had so much fun together.  So much love was shared.  He always knew how to make me laugh.  Reading his words to me is so familiar.  It's the closest thing to normal that I have felt since he died.  But those are old words.  I'll never see any new ones from him.  It's killing me.  Killing me.  I can't take it.  I have to try and sleep.

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