Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Fever-Induced Deliriums

I've made it home from AK.  I thought my first post would be all about my trip, but as soon as I got back I came down with something awfully nasty.  I'm not sure if it's a bad cold or the flu, but I have had a fever, chills, and all that goes with them for the past 4 days.  And it's still kickin.

Last night, while I was trying to fall asleep, I could have sworn I was looking at TJ.  He was lying next to me in bed, exactly where he would have been all of the nights we spent together.  He was always on my left side.  I know I wasn't dreaming, but I did have cold chills and a fever.  And the nyquil was kicking in.  I remember smiling at him, and reaching out to touch him.  That's the last thing I remember before I fell asleep.  I guess it was a fever daydream.  Since I was definitely awake when it happened.  It seemed so clear.  He was right there with me.  But I know he wasn't.  I need him so badly that my mind manifested him from nothing.  He was lying on his right side facing me.  He looked like he always did before he fell asleep.

Our 6 year wedding anniversary is this Saturday, the 24th.  Thinking about it makes me want to puke.   Our anniversary last year was shared with our friends who's wedding was the 25th; TJ was a groomsman.  Because we weren't able to celebrate together, we talked and talked about how this year we'd do something extra special to make up for it.  Not ever dreaming that this would happen to us.  So last year was it.  Our last anniversary together.

I don't know how to cope.  How do I make it through the anniversary of the best day of my life without the one who made it the best day of my life?  It makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs.  It's almost been a blessing to be so sick since I got back.  It has given me something else to think about besides the wrenching pain that will cripple me in just a few days time.  I can't imagine going to the cemetery.  As much as I feel compelled to go, I don't want that to be our new tradition.  My lying on top of the dirt that holds his body.  I just can't take it.  The weight will crush me.  No matter what I do that day, nothing will take the pain away.  My good friend said to me "Wherever you go, there you are".  It doesn't matter what I do.  The pain will always, always be there.  There is no escape.

I've been having melt downs all week long.  Fits of rage and tears that literally double me over.  I walked past his photo yesterday and said "hey, baby" in passing.  When it hit me I couldn't move.  I just began saying it over and over again while I cried.  I touched his face in the photo and said "hey, baby" again and again.  Knowing I'd never get to hear him reply.  Knowing I'd never get to greet him with a loving and excited "hey, baby" ever again.  It's all over.  I just can't cope.  I feel like it's going to take me with it; the pain and sorrow of it all.  It's hard to keep fighting.  It seems so much easier to give up.

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