Thursday, September 1, 2011

Everything is mounting...

It'll be six months in two short days.  I'm not ready.  I miss everything.  Right now, I miss the attention.  He thought I was beautiful.  He wanted me.  He loved spending time with me.  I find it hard to believe that any other person would love me so much.  Could want me so much.  I'm so lonely.  Lonelier than I ever could have imagined.  Time makes everything worse.  I want to feel special.  I want to feel loved.  I want to feel desired.  I had it all, and in the purest, most loving way.  Having that, and then having it ripped from you, is indescribable.  I love TJ to my core.  I will forever and for always.  I love him with a fierceness that can never be put into words.  We were great together.  We made each other feel good.  Feel wanted.  Feel loved.  I can't feel any of that anymore.  We deserved all that we had together.  We made each other happy, and then some.  Everything was going so great.  Everything was looking up.  I can honestly say, without a doubt, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life just before he died.  Now it's all gone.  In just 15 minutes, it was taken away from both of us.  We were going to grow old together.  We were going to love on each other, make babies, cherish and worship each other for years and years.  To learn and grow together for years.  I'm so lost.  I feel no connection to my former life without TJ.  I don't remember what it feels like to be wanted, to be admired, to be loved.  I want to feel him again.  My entire body aches for him.  Always aching.  I can't imagine feeling satisfied.  Safe.  Content.  He's gone.  It's all gone.  And all that is left is pain.  Sharp.  Real.  Unrelenting.  I just need a break from this pain.  Just some reprieve.  I know I have to ride this out.  It's going to take years and years to learn how to live with this pain inside me.  I just wish I could take the edge off.  This pain is crippling.  It's just too much.  So much pain.  I could cry rivers that flow into oceans for him, I love him so.  Tears are streaming down my face.  Fat round droplets rolling down my cheeks and plopping onto my night dress.  All for him.  I love you, TJ.  I weep for you.  Every day, every minute, I miss you.  My heart feels like it will burst.  I have so much love for you still inside me.  It is stuck.  It has no outlet.  So my tears flow freely tonight, just as they do every night.  Please help me.  Please.  I'm begging you.  I can't take this life without you!

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