Friday, August 19, 2011

I'm so tired of being alone.

I'm so tired of being alone.  But I don't want to be with anyone else.  It's the strangest place to be.  I can't stop thinking about our life.  Our Friday nights.  I would spend the day cleaning around the house, getting things ready for him to come home to me.  We'd have a little dinner, and settle in for movies.  He would hold me so sweetly.  He'd always take the arm of the sofa.  I would snuggle up to him, our sides pressed together, his arm draped around me.  I would wrap my arm across his belly and lay my head against his chest.  We'd sit like that for hours.  Movie after movie.  He'd rest his chin on the top of my head.  Every so often, I'd look up into his eyes, and he'd lean down to grace my lips with a kiss.

I miss everything there is to miss about having a partner.  Someone to come home to.  Someone to share meals with.  Someone to cook with.  Someone to hold.  Someone to kiss.  Someone to be intimate with.  I never felt so special as I did in his arms.  I don't know how anyone else could ever make me feel the way he used to make me feel.  I can't even describe it.  The only word that comes to mind is bliss.  I can't imagine ever having that again.  I don't remember what it truly felt like.  I can remember the memory of him, but not how it actually felt.  These days are the loneliest days.  All of them.  Every day without TJ is filled with emptiness and sorrow.

I want him back.  I want those feelings back.  I want to remember feeling love.  I want to remember feeling safe.  I want to remember feeling true joy.  I can't feel those things anymore.  Not without him.  I envy every woman with a husband.  I envy the way their husbands look at them.  I envy the soft touches their husbands bless them with in passing.  I notice everything.  Everything.  The slightest touch.  The lingering looks.  I am so sensitive to them.  Sometimes I wonder if these wives notice the love coming from their husbands.  I hope they do.

I miss kissing him.  He had the best lips.  Lovers, let your kisses linger.  Don't break away too soon.  Nothing else matters in that moment when your lips come together.  Take your time.  Soak in the feeling of warmth.  Cherish the breath shared between you.  There is always someone longing for what you have.  Don't take it for granted.  Take your time.  Pay attention.

To all of the lovers out there, I want what you have.  But nothing will ever be the same for me again.  I don't want anyone else.  TJ was the air that I breathed.  I put everything I had in to him.  Gave him everything that I could.  I worshiped every inch of him.  I always took my time.  He was always working on something.  I was never finished with him when he would break away.  I wonder how many more kisses we could have had...

No matter what could have been, it would have never been enough for me.  He always left me wanting more.  He was so beautiful.  I was never ever done.  Never done kissing him.  Never done feeling him.  Never done hearing his voice.  I wanted all of him.  And now he is gone.

I was so proud to be a part of a unit.  As a couple.  I spent my teen years alone.  I didn't really date.  I wondered so many times if I would ever find love.  And then it happened.  Being a part of a couple was the best feeling in the world.  I had love.  Someone loved me.  Someone wanted to be with me.  Someone wanted to make me happy.  It still blows my mind.  All I ever wanted was to be the other half.  And I was.  I had it.  It was perfect.  I was TJ's wife.  The only thing that would make life more perfect would have been to have TJ's baby and become a family.  I will never have that with him.  I won't have that future.  I am no longer part of a unit.  A twosome.  A couple.  I am single.  While I'm typing I realize that that is my biggest fear.  Always has been.  All of those days wishing and hoping and praying for love.  And then it happened.  And then it was taken away.  Now I am that girl again.  The unloved.  The 3rd wheel.  The one alone.  I want my life back.  Right before TJ died was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.  I want it back.  I don't want this new life.  This isn't how my story is supposed to go.  I was meant to share my life with him.  I was meant to give him everything I could and more.  I was meant to make his life better.  I feel I have no purpose anymore.  I put all of my energy into being us.  Being whatever he needed.  I have no idea what to do with myself now.  It's devastating.

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