Friday, August 5, 2011

I Am Mine

My dearest love,

Strength has left me.  I find it hard to muster up even the slightest bit to get me through each day.  I know that I told you often that as long as you were by my side that I could deal with anything.  Now that you're gone, I feel my strength is gone.  You lifted me up, you held me tight, you gave me hope.  I know not all is lost, but I can't find my way.  I am scared.  I am weak.  I really don't know how to keep living each day without the promise of you and your love.  I can't feel it anymore.  It's awfully sad.  I know you loved me, but I can't feel it flowing from you any longer.  Love for you flows from me like an erupting volcano, burning everything in its path.  It overflows; it is destruction.  My love has no course.  It runs over everything I do, over everyone I come in contact with, but with no result.  You were the only recipient my love could be given to and received, in kind, with love.  Like lava, my heart burns for you and only you.  But there is no recourse.  I have no destination.  I need you.  I don't know how to do this without your help.  I am alone.  I am terrified.  I'd beg for you to help me, but I just don't know if you can anymore.  I don't know what to think.  I don't know what to feel.  I don't know how to feel anything other than this pain.  I am so scared.  I am terrified of death.  For myself, and for everyone I love.  Death is horrible.  I don't know how to shake these fears.  At first, I was so numb that I was numb to every fear.  My fears are raging inside me now.  You could always put me at ease.  I can't do it for myself.  I try and I try.  I'm not you.  I wish I were as brave as you.  You are the greatest man I have ever known.  You could do anything.  Be anything.  You had such strength in you.  I want to be like you.  I want to be brave.  I want to be strong.  I just don't know how to be any of those things without you here now.  I am desperate for peace.  I don't know where to find it.  I would give anything in the world to have your guidance again.  Always so wise.  Always so confident in your choices.  I crave that.  I feel so alone.  I am so scared of this life without you in it.  Please, help me.

Loving you always,

-Courtney

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