Friday, August 19, 2011

I'm so tired of being alone.

I'm so tired of being alone.  But I don't want to be with anyone else.  It's the strangest place to be.  I can't stop thinking about our life.  Our Friday nights.  I would spend the day cleaning around the house, getting things ready for him to come home to me.  We'd have a little dinner, and settle in for movies.  He would hold me so sweetly.  He'd always take the arm of the sofa.  I would snuggle up to him, our sides pressed together, his arm draped around me.  I would wrap my arm across his belly and lay my head against his chest.  We'd sit like that for hours.  Movie after movie.  He'd rest his chin on the top of my head.  Every so often, I'd look up into his eyes, and he'd lean down to grace my lips with a kiss.

I miss everything there is to miss about having a partner.  Someone to come home to.  Someone to share meals with.  Someone to cook with.  Someone to hold.  Someone to kiss.  Someone to be intimate with.  I never felt so special as I did in his arms.  I don't know how anyone else could ever make me feel the way he used to make me feel.  I can't even describe it.  The only word that comes to mind is bliss.  I can't imagine ever having that again.  I don't remember what it truly felt like.  I can remember the memory of him, but not how it actually felt.  These days are the loneliest days.  All of them.  Every day without TJ is filled with emptiness and sorrow.

I want him back.  I want those feelings back.  I want to remember feeling love.  I want to remember feeling safe.  I want to remember feeling true joy.  I can't feel those things anymore.  Not without him.  I envy every woman with a husband.  I envy the way their husbands look at them.  I envy the soft touches their husbands bless them with in passing.  I notice everything.  Everything.  The slightest touch.  The lingering looks.  I am so sensitive to them.  Sometimes I wonder if these wives notice the love coming from their husbands.  I hope they do.

I miss kissing him.  He had the best lips.  Lovers, let your kisses linger.  Don't break away too soon.  Nothing else matters in that moment when your lips come together.  Take your time.  Soak in the feeling of warmth.  Cherish the breath shared between you.  There is always someone longing for what you have.  Don't take it for granted.  Take your time.  Pay attention.

To all of the lovers out there, I want what you have.  But nothing will ever be the same for me again.  I don't want anyone else.  TJ was the air that I breathed.  I put everything I had in to him.  Gave him everything that I could.  I worshiped every inch of him.  I always took my time.  He was always working on something.  I was never finished with him when he would break away.  I wonder how many more kisses we could have had...

No matter what could have been, it would have never been enough for me.  He always left me wanting more.  He was so beautiful.  I was never ever done.  Never done kissing him.  Never done feeling him.  Never done hearing his voice.  I wanted all of him.  And now he is gone.

I was so proud to be a part of a unit.  As a couple.  I spent my teen years alone.  I didn't really date.  I wondered so many times if I would ever find love.  And then it happened.  Being a part of a couple was the best feeling in the world.  I had love.  Someone loved me.  Someone wanted to be with me.  Someone wanted to make me happy.  It still blows my mind.  All I ever wanted was to be the other half.  And I was.  I had it.  It was perfect.  I was TJ's wife.  The only thing that would make life more perfect would have been to have TJ's baby and become a family.  I will never have that with him.  I won't have that future.  I am no longer part of a unit.  A twosome.  A couple.  I am single.  While I'm typing I realize that that is my biggest fear.  Always has been.  All of those days wishing and hoping and praying for love.  And then it happened.  And then it was taken away.  Now I am that girl again.  The unloved.  The 3rd wheel.  The one alone.  I want my life back.  Right before TJ died was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.  I want it back.  I don't want this new life.  This isn't how my story is supposed to go.  I was meant to share my life with him.  I was meant to give him everything I could and more.  I was meant to make his life better.  I feel I have no purpose anymore.  I put all of my energy into being us.  Being whatever he needed.  I have no idea what to do with myself now.  It's devastating.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

He just couldn't breathe

Tonight has been filled with tears.  It started with a conversation with my Grandfather.  Every time he would stop talking to take a breath, I could hear his oxygen tank puffing air into his nose.  I thought about how horrible it must be to not be able to catch your breath.  Thinking of the morning TJ died is the same.  He just couldn't breathe.  There was nothing I could do for him.  I would have given anything to be able to take away that suffocating pain.  To take away the fear I saw in his eyes.  The images of that morning are burned into my brain.  Tonight, every time I close my eyes I see him standing at the top of the steps.  His hands on his hips, his body hunched over.  Head to the side, eyes closed, gasping for air. 

I was there.  I had to watch him die.  There was nothing I could do to help him.  I would have given anything to hold him.  To kiss him.  But I had to keep back.  Give him room to breathe.  I rubbed his back and cooed at him as calmly as possible.  I couldn't think of anything else to do but to tell him I loved him and that everything was going to be alright.  Inside my head was sheer terror.  When I think of that morning, it swells within me all over again.  I would have taken all of that pain for him.  But there was nothing I could do.

I had to stand there and watch my love go through that.  Helpless to do anything about it.  The images and sounds burn.  Waves of searing pain shoot through my body just remembering that morning.  The last kiss we shared was from my lips to his.  Lifeless.  All passion and love flowing from me into his cold, firm lips.  Holding his hands, warming them with my body heat.  Tracing the outlines of his eyebrows.  Leaning to press my forehead against his.  Whispering softly "I love you, baby" over and over again.  The memories of that day and the immediate days following are my personal internal horror film.  I can't get away from them.  They will never leave me.  And I don't want them to.  They are forever a part of me.  It's who I am now.  The woman who lost her husband.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Forgotten

I took a stroll through the cemetery today.  Normally, I spend all of my time there with TJ.  Today felt different.  I'd been in bed until 3pm.  I couldn't get up.  I was awake, but I couldn't move.  I laid there in my bed, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.  I decided I was hungry, and if I was going to get up to eat I may as well take a shower.  Looking out the window was enticing.  The sun was shining brightly.  The clouds floating by in the breeze.  It was a lovely day for a walk.  When I need quiet, when I need to get away, I go to him.  It's so peaceful there.  The cemetery borders a busy industrial street in the old section of town.  But it's high stone wall keeps out the noise.  So many times I visit inside those walls.  Every time I stay by his side.  But today, I wanted to meet his neighbors.  Respect them.  Notice them.  So many who died in the 1800's.  I wondered how long it had been since someone who loved them stood over their grave.  When everyone you know is dead and gone and no one comes to visit you.  It's terribly depressing.  I can't imagine a time when no one will visit TJ anymore.  He'll just be another name on a worn out, barely legible headstone in St John's Cemetery.  I kept looking at the dates.  I don't know why.  At first the years mostly, out of historical curiosity.  But then I focused on the actual dates of their death.  The day of the month.  I wanted to see if anyone shared that day with TJ.  I didn't find any.  There were several I couldn't read any longer.  So old that the etching into stone was so shallow and obscured that no one alive today could know who they were.  Those stones made me the saddest of all.  To think that there will come a time when no one will be around to cry for him any longer.  I can't stand the thought.  I feel desperate to be sure he is not forgotten.

After my walk over the grounds, I ended at my love.  I laid down on my left side facing him.  I reached out and put my right hand on top of his grave, where his chest would be if he were above and not below.  I ran my hands through the dry prickly grass trying to grow on the dirt laid over him.  I cried and I cried.  I shook with tears.  At one point, I shifted so that I was lying on top of the grave site so that my tears would fall over him.  As if they could help nourish the parched ground and help the grass to grow healthy.  I talked with him.  Told him how this would be how we would lay in bed together if he were still here.  I told him that he should still be here and that I didn't understand why he couldn't be.  I practically demanded that he feel the love pouring out of me still for him.  He just has to feel it.  He just has to.  There is so much for him.  It will never end.  He's just got to feel it.  I have to know that all of my love for him is reaching him in some way.  It has always been a personal mission of mine to show TJ how much I love him, and take good care of him as his wife.  The only thing I can think to do now to take care of him is to remember him.  To spend time with him at the cemetery.  It's the only way I know how to watch over him like I did for all of those years we shared together.  It's the only way I know how to serve him; to give him the attention that I need to give him.  I feel useless now.  Everything I had I gave to him.  I have lost my purpose. 

I will never have a normal life.  The life that I wanted.  To build a home with TJ, to grow our family together, to savor every minute of our lifelong partnership.  It's all gone.  It'll never happen for me.  Not the way that I want it to.  It's just not fair.  We deserved to be happy.  He deserved to live.  He deserved to see the sparkle in our child's eye.  It will never be.  Ever.  I think so much about all of the things he'll miss.  Already, in just 5 months, there is so much he has missed.  And there is a lifetime more that he won't experience. And a lifetime more that I won't experience with him in it.

It's tragic, really.  Just tragic.

Friday, August 5, 2011

I Am Mine

My dearest love,

Strength has left me.  I find it hard to muster up even the slightest bit to get me through each day.  I know that I told you often that as long as you were by my side that I could deal with anything.  Now that you're gone, I feel my strength is gone.  You lifted me up, you held me tight, you gave me hope.  I know not all is lost, but I can't find my way.  I am scared.  I am weak.  I really don't know how to keep living each day without the promise of you and your love.  I can't feel it anymore.  It's awfully sad.  I know you loved me, but I can't feel it flowing from you any longer.  Love for you flows from me like an erupting volcano, burning everything in its path.  It overflows; it is destruction.  My love has no course.  It runs over everything I do, over everyone I come in contact with, but with no result.  You were the only recipient my love could be given to and received, in kind, with love.  Like lava, my heart burns for you and only you.  But there is no recourse.  I have no destination.  I need you.  I don't know how to do this without your help.  I am alone.  I am terrified.  I'd beg for you to help me, but I just don't know if you can anymore.  I don't know what to think.  I don't know what to feel.  I don't know how to feel anything other than this pain.  I am so scared.  I am terrified of death.  For myself, and for everyone I love.  Death is horrible.  I don't know how to shake these fears.  At first, I was so numb that I was numb to every fear.  My fears are raging inside me now.  You could always put me at ease.  I can't do it for myself.  I try and I try.  I'm not you.  I wish I were as brave as you.  You are the greatest man I have ever known.  You could do anything.  Be anything.  You had such strength in you.  I want to be like you.  I want to be brave.  I want to be strong.  I just don't know how to be any of those things without you here now.  I am desperate for peace.  I don't know where to find it.  I would give anything in the world to have your guidance again.  Always so wise.  Always so confident in your choices.  I crave that.  I feel so alone.  I am so scared of this life without you in it.  Please, help me.

Loving you always,

-Courtney