Tuesday, July 12, 2011

No Apologies

I swear, I should start counting how many times a day the words "I'm sorry" come out of my face.  Not tonight.  What the fucking fuck?  How could this have happened?  How could this have happened to us?  We were so happy.  Everything was damn near perfect.  We had goals, we had plans.  We were going to get old together.  Why us?  I am so angry.  Why can't we have those things?  Why did we both have to give up our future?  We were going to move, pay off debt, start a family... I want a family.  I want a family with TJ.  That's all I have ever really wanted.  I was just biding my time for it to happen for us.  When he was ready.  I wanted him to be ready.  I didn't want an accident.  I wanted him to be excited.  He was so excited to be a dad.  All of the looks, all of the love, all of the hugs... the excitement of wondering if we were pregnant.  What if?  He wouldn't even let me drink beer after a negative test 'just in case it was too early to tell'.  Why did we have to give everything up?

I would kill to have what other people have.  Instead, I have to completely abandon all of my hopes and dreams and start all over.  That's fucking hard.  HARD.  Why me?  I have tried so hard to be strong, to be positive, to fake pure joy.  But fuck that.  Why me?  Why did this have to happen?  Everything I wanted.  Everything I ever wanted.  I want TJ.  I want a life with him.  I don't want anything else.  Nothing I have tried to help me take the edge off is working.  I need TJ.  I need our life back.  I need to be pregnant with his child.  The most beautiful baby in the world.  Life would have been perfect.  Would have been.  It's fucking not.  It's fucking GONE.  All of the life in me, all except what I need to live and breathe each day in this shell of myself, is gone.  I have to magically conjure up effort constantly.  And not only that, but I have to make a new life.  Let me repeat that; a new LIFE.  A life.  No tweaking my pattern of thought.  A complete upheaval and change.  I've spent 30 years developing the life I had up until March 3rd.  And it evaporated into thin air.  Will it take me another 30 years to figure out a new future?  I'll be 60 before I know what I want again.  I've tried to be all sunshine and rainbows and hopeful and "I know I'll be alright".  Who am I kidding?  I don't know anything at all.  The only thing I know for certain is pain.  I try to feel other things.  I do feel other things.  But pain is always there, underneath it all.  Until you have your earth shattered, you don't know pain like this.  I thought I knew pain.  I thought when we wouldn't get along, when I felt lonely even with him in the next room that that was pain.  That was nothing.  That could be changed.  I have no second chance this time.  I had one short part of my life to share with TJ and now it's gone forever.  Forever.  Never again.  Twelve years is a long time.  But in the lifespan?  It's a drop in the bucket.  I was supposed to have him for our entire lives!  Our old farty, grey, lives.  Not for just twelve years.  We had more loving to do.  We still need each other.

I am so fearful that where ever TJ is he can't feel my love that still flows out of every pore.  I am terrified that he has no consciousness.  I need to give him my love forever.  I need to know he can feel it still.  I will never know for sure.  That kills me.  I am NOT done.  I will never be done.  What the hell is going on?  I can't believe it.  I just can't believe it.  This is not fair.  This is complete bullshit.  How could this have happened to us?  We were great for each other.  Everyone has their issues, but we worked at them.  We were prepared to grow together.  To get old together.  To help each other through life.  Now we are separated.  He in death and I in life.  What the hell are we supposed to do now?

I need his love, and he needs mine.  I can't feel his love anymore.  Not directly.  I know he loved me intensely.  I have letters to prove it.  But that every day feeling is gone.  Can he feel mine?  I am desperate to put as much love out of me as possible in thoughts of him.  To profess my love to him constantly in the hope that he can feel it.  Maybe if I try hard enough he will feel me.  And if he can feel me, maybe he can try hard enough so I can feel him.  I am desperate to feel him again.  In any way possible.  In the breeze, in my sleep, in someone elses kind eyes.

I don't feel secure.  I am just floating around, ping ponging off of trial and error.  I need to be grounded.  TJ was my anchor.  I will not worry about this entry.  I will not worry about what anyone thinks about this entry.  This is how I feel.  There are no two ways about it.  Right now, I am angry.  I am gutted.  The truth hurts.  This is what is going on with me right now.  No sugar coating this time.  Moments like this pass, but for the first time I am showing you while I'm in the thick of it.  This is darkness.  This is the pit.  I am face down, and it feels like there is a weight pinning me down to prevent me from turning over to see the light above.  Fuck this feeling.  Fuck this emptiness.  I am desperate for relief. 

In some sick twisted way I hope everyone I know reads this.  I don't know what my goal would be in having everyone read it.  I just need to be real.  This is real.  My other entries are real, too.  But this is hard, hard, work.  Grief is no joke.  It is constant struggle, it is pain, it is sorrow, it is longing.  I want to show it.  Not to bring anyone down with me, of course. I don't wish this on anyone.  Never ever could I wish this pain even on the worst human being alive.  If I could, I would shield all of humanity against this horror.  I just want to try and show you how it is.  Show you my desperation.  Show you that I need you.  That I need some small fits of relief.  That I need love and care.  I have tried not to lean on any one person in particular too much if I can help it.  I can't do it right now; I admit that I need help.  I can't stand on my own right now.  I am fighting for my life.  A joyful, genuine, and healthy life.  But right now, I feel like an army of one.  I am fighting alone.  I have to fight alone.  No one can do this for me.  I know this.  I just need your love.  Your arms.  Your ears.  Your words.  I need to feel love.  Any kind of love that I can get.  Nothing will ever replace the love I felt from TJ.  But I need something.  Anything.  I need to feel something other than this pain.

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