Friday, June 17, 2011


Today was long.  I spent it with my youngest brother.  I'd decided about a month after TJ died that I wanted him to have TJ's car.  We finally had everything in order to sign it over today, so we made a trip to the MVA to get it all finished.  It was a nice day, sunny and breezy.

When we got back to my grandparents house where we were keeping the car, it got harder.  I started going through the car, gathering up trash etc.  I found his steroid pills that the doctor had prescribed him just days before his death.  Just the first days dose was gone and all the rest remained in the packaging.  That was hard to see.  His receipt, the CVS rx bag with instructions...  It's hard to think that he'd just been to the doctor and given what he needed to regulate.  And then BAM, he's gone.

Sean and I made a trip to the cemetery to visit TJ.  He'd stopped and bought TJ's favorite, Wild Turkey 101.  We each had a swig and poured the rest out for TJ.  I don't normally cry when I go to his grave.  For some reason I don't feel like that is where he is.  I don't feel that connection to him there.  I like to visit him, and I visit him often.  It's peaceful there.  Beautiful trees, nice stone wall.  But I cried today.  I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd found in his car.  Most reminders are painful, but to see his barely touched medicine that was supposed to help him, that was just awful.  I stood with Sean and cried.  I miss him so much.

TJ has a new neighbor.  A dear friends father passed away recently, and his is buried just about 10 steps away.  TJ's got some company besides the priests he's buried next to.  I went to see our family friend while I was visiting today.  Talked to him for a bit.  It's all just so awful to be having to talk to dirt.  It's unfair, for both TJ and for our family friend.  Both of them were too young with so much more to live for.  But knowing them both, they're getting along just fine together.  And in their lifetime, they did know each other.

I'd like to start visiting TJ's grave more often.  I always feel like I don't know what to do when I'm there.  I talk to him if I feel like it.  But most of the time I just lay down next to him on my plot.  If I lay on my right side, it's as if we were just in bed.  I always slept on the right side if you're facing the bed.  So, I lay on my right side, on top of my plot that my parents bought for me, and let my left hand run over the grass between us.  Before the grass had grown back, I would just run my hand over the dirt and pebbles.  I took a particularly nice rock not long after TJ had died and kept it.  I also have a nice set of twigs that were used as flower arrangement filler on his coffin.  And I have some of the dried flowers that I put into my locket.  Little pieces of that day of his funeral.  Pieces that otherwise would be gone.  Either buried under grass seeds or thrown away as the arrangements withered and died, too.  Soon, it will look like every other plot in the cemetery.  It will just blend like he's been there all along.  It will always feel fresh for me.  Always.  It still feels like it was just yesterday that I had to say goodbye.

TJ, I miss you.  I love you with every fiber of my being.  Sometimes it's hard to breathe when I think of you.  Like the wind gets knocked out of me.  I feel your absence.  I miss everything about you.  But, at the same time, I celebrate you.  All of your amazing qualities that you have passed on; not only to me, but to everyone you have ever encountered.  You still amaze me.  And I love you to the maxx.

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