Sunday, June 12, 2011

Look Up

So, I'm not tired.  And I haven't written in a while.  I'm not sure why I haven't written in a while.  It's not that I haven't had thoughts  Hah, that's kinda funny.  I think too much these days.  The weekend has been busy.  Flitting all over a couple of states.  I spent quality family time today with both my family and my inlaws.  Ever since TJ died, I cry every single time I go to church.  Today, I just didn't feel it.  I couldn't feeling it coming.  Nothing struck me in such a way that would make me feel sad.  But something did hit my family.  I watched my father in law wrap his arm around my mother in law.  I felt jealous.  I want TJ back so he can do that for me.  Hold me up when I am down.  Comfort me in times of sorrow.  I also wanted to comfort her, too.  But I knew it was something he, and he alone, needed to do for her.  He is her rock.  And mine is gone.  I hate feeling sorry for myself, but damn.  I want that back.  I'm so focused on moving forward and not looking back.  But there are times that it can't be helped.  I don't let the old path linger with me, because I know it is impossible.  But it's only been three months.  I can't expect my entire future that I had planned to fade to nothing so soon.

I really am looking forward to finding my new place in the universe.  When I was at the beach and looking up at the stars it makes you feel so small.  There is so much out there that I don't know.  Looking up in to space and not knowing how far it goes.  This world is so full of possibility.  It's everywhere.  And sometimes we just don't see it.  We get consumed with our daily life and forget that there is such awesomeness around us.  An old professor of mine from college (and my favorite one at that, if you're reading this Dr. Miller) said one day in class "Look up!  No one ever looks up!  There's so much out there."  I will never forget that.  I never have since the moment he said it.  I look up every time I think of it.  We forget to notice.  I mean, telephone wires baffle me.  Just thinking about where they might lead, what's being said over them at that precise moment...

I feel a great sense of hope right now.  It literally just flooded over me.  Life is beautiful.  We all need to treasure it.  Care for it.  Embrace it.  As much sadness as I feel at any given moment, there is always optimism sharing that space.  I told that very same professor right after TJ died that I was so confused.  How could sadness and immense gratitude not have to compete for space in my mind?  How could I feel two totally opposite emotions with the same intensity at the same time and not feel conflicted?  His response "Well, Courtney, they're not as different as they seem.  It makes perfect sense for you to feel both at the same time.  They are mirror images of each other.  Once cannot exist without the other."  I allow myself to feel this pain.  But I have to remember to allow myself to feel joy.  To laugh more.  TJ had the best laugh.  And always knew how to get me going.  He'd always give me, at the worst times, a serious; I mean SERIOUS; case of the giggles.  Sadness and joy do not have to compete for space.  I can feel them both at the same time.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing.  The scales are balanced.  And eventually joy will overtake sadness in weight.  For now, I'm just going to let myself be.  Allow the sadness and joy to coexist in quiet equilibrium while I figure out my new place in this world.

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