Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Dear Diary

I'm back from the beach.  I actually got back last night.  I was too tired, and too upset to write last night.  Being at the house was too familiar.  Being there without him was so normal.  Of all of the years we were together, last year was the one and only time he joined me in Duck.  Every other year was spent there, with my grandparents, or my entire family.  Sans TJ.  The first night I arrived was extremely hard.  The last time I sat on that deck TJ was with me.  Arms around each other and staring up at the stars.  The last time I slept in the blue room, he was next to me.  And yet, as the weekend went on things settled down.  I thought of him often, but found peace and joy in the ocean waves and water.  Floating weightless in the gentle sway of the current.  Feeling the sun on my skin and smelling the salty air.  I didn't have internet access while I was there, apart from my phone.  So I'd like to share some writing I did in my diary.  I've been writing in it since I was in second grade, and still have some more room.  It's corners are frayed, the lock is loose.  But it's holding some of the greatest, and worst moments of my life to date.  So, here is my last entry:

Sunday June 5, 2011
I am sitting under the beach house.  It's raining.  Slowly, now.  There is a lovely breeze.  The hammock is swaying empty.  I really could stay here alone forever.  I just need my kitties and I would be golden.  I never feel more at peace than when I am here alone.  It is welcomed.  The numbness is gone.  I miss our life.  In an earlier entry, just before TJ and I moved to Kingscrest, I wrote about how I would never have to sleep alone again.  Talk about a bummer.  Sleeping alone has been ok.  Sorta.  I have to sleep in the middle of the bed.  I can't sleep on 'my side'.  At this moment my thoughts surprise me.  I don't want a baby right now.  I really really need to take care of myself.  Old habits die hard.  I have fallen back into those self conscious ways.  Over analyzing things.  It sucks.  Maybe this trip will remind me how much less stressful life can be without constant worry.  I love this salty air.  The musky, salty, fresh smell that seeps into the fabrics around me.  It is a heavenly scent.  I think I may go shopping today.  Get some hemp stuff.  Embrace my 'dirty hippie'.  Now is the time to take care of myself.  I'm not sure how but I know I will figure it out.  I really wish I could stay here alone.  I would miss my friends, but they have their lives.  Right now I feel like an outsider.  I feel like I don't have anything in common with them.  I have no children.  I have no husband.  We are no longer on the same path.  I want what they have.  But that want has no place in my new existence.  I need to let it go.  I want to let it go.  When I lived here before... I didn't want to ever leave.  TJ was the only reason I left NC.  Now that he is gone, maybe it could be possible.  But it isn't.  This is not my house.  Gma and Gpa live here.  I could never be alone in this place.  So, I will go home tomorrow.  Back to my family.  Back to work.  I feel so conflicted.  I feel like I should use this opportunity to explore.  Move around.  Do something drastic.  And yet, I love my family and friends so much.  So deeply.  I don't think I could ever really leave them.  Be too far from them.  I want to be open to any possibility.  I need to be light, so I can see where the future winds will take me.  For now, I am going to sit here.  Feel the breeze, smell the air, and just Be.

Now, when I think about that part about my friends and not knowing my place... I really feel like I will find it.  My friends will always and forever be my friends.  We've all been through so much together already.  And will have so many more new experiences together.  Just because I am not on the same path doesn't mean that things will completely change.  Sure, a lot will definitely change.  But we are all working through life together.  Finding our way.  I love them like family.  Because friends are the family you choose.  I refer to all of my friends as my 'best friend' because that's what they are.  Each one to me is something special.

It's true that I have been knocked off of my path and that I have to find a new one.  It is true that the path I was on and the path my friends are on now used to be the same.  But I need to remember that we are all just people.  Making our way.  I know I need to cut myself some slack.  TJ only died 3 months ago last Friday.  I'm allowed to still be confused.  I really do not find myself looking back; clinging to any of my former plans.  But still they linger; of course they do.  That can't be helped.  I'd been on my old path for years and years.  Wanting to be settled.  Wanting the family life.  So it can't be fixed in just 3 months.

I could never leave my friends.  Or my family.  All of you are everything to me.  I need you.  More than you may ever know.  I couldn't possibly take off.  But, I'm not going to limit myself.  I will travel.  Check things out.  Explore.  But always know I will come back to you.  I always will.  My new desire is to enrich myself.  Grow as a new woman.  I can't make anyone else truly happy until I make myself happy first.  Being on my new path will be very different for me.  It will take a lot of hard work.  But I know that my new path will converge constantly with the path of those that I love.  I will have something more, a new perspective, to bring to our table of life.  More to offer.  More to share.  I love you.

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