Sunday, June 26, 2011


June is almost over.  Time seems to be flying by, yet I don't have much to show for it.  Life really is a blur.  It still seems like just yesterday that TJ died.  It'll be 4 months in just about a week.  It feels like I was just wearing a winter coat sitting at his burial site, and now I'm napping outdoors in the shade, wearing my new sundresses, and getting some sunkissed skin.

I have always loved summer.  It scares me that June is almost over.  I know I only have two months of summer left.  I just watched one of my favorite surfer movies and it makes me long for salty air, sand, and waves.  I think about how amazing it would be to live at the beach.  Not just any beach, but a place where it is warm year round.  To be able to get off of work and run into the water until sundown would be total heaven to me.  That's exactly how I spent the summer after college graduation.  At first I hated being away.  I missed TJ, I missed my friends.  He'd call me and he would be at a party.  It always sounded like he was having so much fun.  After the first two weeks I came in to my own.  Swimming in the morning and showering outside.  Making sure I got to work on time at my later shift.  Or working the early shift and spending the rest of the afternoon and evening in the sand.  It was heaven.  I never am so happy than I am oceanside.  The only reason I came back after that summer was TJ.  My life with him.  I needed it.  I wanted it.  I cherished it.  I went there that summer to get my head right.  And as much as I loved my life at that moment, the biggest part was missing.  If I couldn't have that life with TJ in it, I didn't want it at all.  I came home at the beginning of August.  The entire way home I had butterflies in my stomach.  After two months apart I was finally going to see him.  Not just talk on the phone.  I couldn't wait to feel his arms around me, his lips on my lips.  I told my parents I was going to a welcome home party overnight, but TJ and I really had rented a hotel room in Frederick so we could be totally alone.  When he came to pick me up that night it was like the first time I'd ever seen him.  He looked amazing.  And we were so happy to see each other.  He looked at me with such bashfulness.  Like if he stared at me too long he'd explode or something.  I felt the same way.  I would smile at him, and then look down.  I did it several times while he was making small talk with my family.  I couldn't wait to get him alone.  All to myself.  That night was just perfect.  And I knew, just like I always had, that where TJ was was where I belonged.  It didn't matter the location geographically.  It just had to be with him.  They same home is where the heart is.  And my heart is with TJ.

I'm not sure what to do without him now.  It almost feels strange to take advantage of my desires for the water and sunshine.  I don't want to rejoice in something that I can do now that I may not have been able to do before.  I'd kill to have TJ back.  But on the flip side of that, I know he'd want me to be happy, and sun and ocean make me happy.  It just seems so different from the life we had together.  I'm afraid to let go of what I have here for fear it will cause me to forget.  I don't want to ever forget.  I'm afraid to move on.  I know I don't have to do anything yet.  And that I am trying to slowly figure out my new life and what I really want out of it.  So right now it seems strange to follow those desires.  I think I will start with giving myself little tastes of that life.  I am fortunate enough to have a place to do that.  I was just telling my mother today how I want to be in NC as much as possible this summer, and that I'm surprised I've only been once so far.  That is going to change.  I am going to take advantage of that location more often.

I have never felt more peace anywhere else like I feel on the ocean.  I am drawn to it.  I always have been.  Water of any kind is magnificent.  It is such a pure element.  Clean and crisp.  Life giving.  I breathe easier there.  And to breathe easier is what I need during this horrific time.  Because it is horrific.  The pain is so great.  I don't know how to self soothe.  What I do find to help take the edge off is only temporary.  I'm not looking for a quick fix.  I am prepared to endure the time that this will take to heal.  I feel that during that time of reflection my soul could be boosted by allowing myself to be where I feel the most peace.  I feel clarity will come with a peaceful mind.  And clarity will help me reveal the new path I need to walk upon.  That new path will lead me to a good, full life.  The life TJ would want me to have.  I think it will make him proud. 

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