Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day

So, it's that time of year again when we celebrate the important men in our lives.  I was able to celebrate today with my Father in Law and my Dad.  It was a nice day.  Church and lunch with the in-laws.  Demolition in my parents sunroom with my family; followed by beer, steak, and crab legs.  Oh, and turtle cheesecake.  I can't forget that.  I was pretty ok.  I cried in church.  As ususal.  But a very sad feeling hit me just after we finished dinner.

I couldn't put my finger on it.  But I felt awful.  Was it because TJ wasn't at the table with us?  Probably.  But I just can't stop thinking about how happy he was to be working towards having a family.  He wanted to be a father so badly.  It's funny; for the longest time he was 'not ready'.  He had things to figure out, things to get in order.  But 9 months before he died, we started trying.  I'll tell you what, he was nuts.  He did all kinds of research online (because the man liked to be informed).  He'd ask me all sorts of funny questions.  And I thought I knew everything there was to know about pregnancy stuff.  "Does your sense of smell seem stronger?  Because you know that happens early on in the pregnancy".  "Your boobs may just be sore from the lack or hormones from the birth control pills, or you could be pregnant".  The very first time that I was late was pretty epic.  He was trying so hard to play it cool.  I was a week late and I told him I might take a test.  As calmly as possible he says "yeah, you should just do that".  You ladies know the drill; pee on the stick, make sure it is set on a flat surface, and wait.  I was determined not to watch the window change colors.  I was staring at the ceiling.  There is that control window to show you that the test is working properly, and then the result window.  When the 3 minutes had finally passed I looked down and exclaimed "what does that mean!"  Little did I know that TJ was pressed up against the bathroom door and I screamed when he yelled "WHAT DOES IT SAY!!  WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"  So I opened the door and he's got this scared yet giddy look on his face.  "It didn't work".  "What do you mean it didn't work?"  So he scoops it up and reads the instructions.  That was our first false alarm in our journey to parenthood.

I think it's kinda bullshit that pre pregnancy symptoms are identical to PMS.  That is just not cool.  I could never tell.  I remember having a particularly emotional day and coming home.  He was on the couch and when he asked me how my day was I just burst into tears.  My glasses were foggy and I was just standing in the middle of the room crying and pushing on my boobs.  I told him they were sore, and by then he'd walked over to me to comfort me.  He was rubbing my arms up and down standing in front of me.  But the grin on his face.  Oh my god, the grin on his face.  I just started crying harder and said "Stop it!  I don't want to get my hopes up!"  I remember him trying SO hard to wipe the grin off of his face, but I saw it sneak back out later in the night.  Another time was on Christmas day.  I was two weeks late.  I'd taken two tests and both were negative.  But TJ was SURE I was pregnant.  He emailed me one day and all he said was "I really think we did it this time."  On Christmas day we did the usual.  But around noon I started feeling really sick to my stomach.  Totally nauseous.  I barely touched my Christmas dinner (and Christmas dinner is, like, my favorite thing ever.)  I was constantly catching TJ just staring at me.  Well, gazing was more like it.  I can not even describe the look he was giving me.  It was kinda like his eyes were saying "I'm so sorry that you feel ill, but this is fucking awesome that you're nauseous."  I have to be honest, that was the only time he'd ever looked at me like that.  It was such adoration.  Like he looked at me like I was fascinating.  Like he'd never experienced a feeling like that before; to be so sure that we were going to have a little us.

We talked often about what we thought they'd look like.  What traits we hoped they'd have from each one of us, and also the personalities that they would have.  I always hoped our kids would get his ass, because I have a pancake ass.  His was perfect.  And I hoped they'd have his nose.  And they would have such beautiful thick hair, unlike me.  He wanted them to have my chin, and my round cheeks.  He like my chin so much he would sometimes bite it.  He always said he just couldn't help himself.  TJ picked out our kids names.  First names anyway.  He typically shot down my suggestions, but I wasn't too upset.  He was just figuring out any kind of horrible nickname other children might use, and when he put it that way I was glad he'd thought that far ahead.  Our boy would have been Stiles Oliver Luck, and our girl Annabelle Rae Luck.  One night while we were on the couch, he had laid down across my lap so his head was resting on my thigh.  He looked up and said "Do you think we'll have twins?"  I asked him if he wanted twins, and his reply was so calm "yeah, that would be cool."  Twins run on both sides for us, so it could have definitely been possible for us to pop out two at a time.

I just can't believe that someone so amazing will never have that opportunity to be a father.  I always told him what an amazing dad he would be.  He'd be the cool one.  Definitely the 'good cop' to my 'bad cop'.  He would take them to shows and encourage them to follow their hearts.  Teach them the value of learning as much as possible, but also to take time to get to know themselves.  TJ would have been the best dad.  I would have observed with the highest adoration as he interacted with our children.

This is so unfair.  I'm balling my face off right now.  Not only do I feel robbed of that life with him that we both wanted so much, but this is just another event in life he won't get to experience.  He's the most amazing man I have ever met.  And he would have been one hell of a father.  I'm so sorry, baby.  This is such bullshit.  You should be here, and you should have everything you've always wanted.  And I would do anything to be sure that you had it.  You are perfect to me, and I'm so sorry for all of the things that you wanted to do and can't.  I love you.  I love you.

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