Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Balance

So, my eyes sting right now.  I keep wanting to shut them, but I can't yet.  There are still bills to be paid and forms to be emailed.  This morning I woke up at 4am and couldn't fall back to sleep.  I laid there for three hours before I dozed off for about another hour.  When I got to work, I just felt horrible.  I couldn't put my finger on exactly why.  I wasn't my typically up beat self.  It has surprised me how I can just keep doing that; being up beat.  I giggle at work, I talk with the ladies, I joke with my bestest best Traci.  I fake it until I make it.  Only Traci knows what's really going on with me on any given day.  But today, I just couldn't get there.  I felt quiet.  Distant.  Removed.  After the first hour, the little bit of composure I had mustered collapsed.  I cried and cried.  Big fat tears rolled down my face.  Sometimes when I cry at work I try to keep quiet.  I feel choked up and my eyes well up, but not every time do tears flow so freely as they did today.  Traci tried to get me to go home, but I feel like such a slacker if I don't do as much work as I am able.  She's helping me immensely and I feel I owe it to her to try.  She'll probably slap me when she reads this, but it's true.  Stupid work ethic.  I focused on a semi mindless work activity to try and make it through.  I had to keep stopping to wipe my face, or cover it.  I prop my elbows on my desk and cover my face with both palms and weep.  On days like today, I don't care who hears me.

What really sucks is going to work, and then coming home to do more 'work'.  Filling out forms, filing the appropriate papers, notifying parties of TJ's death, etc etc.  Trying to ignore the collection calls.  TJ is gone.  And sometimes I feel like I can't give my grief the full attention I long to give it because of all of the logistical crap.  I have to go to work to make money to pay the bills.  I have to come home to file papers so I can keep that little bit of money that I am making.  I know I've said this before, but there isn't a day that goes by when I don't have something legal or financial to do.  On top of everything else surrounding the loss of my love, I'm just plain worn out.  I am thinking I will take an exotic vacation once all of these issues have been settled.  I'm going to try to start saving now, little by little.  It'll be a labor of love; saving for this trip.  But it will be worth it.

If I had my way, I'd sit and think all day.  I don't want to be distracted.  And sitting and thinking all day doesn't necessarily equal drowning in sorrow all day, either.  Thinking of TJ evokes every type of emotion in me.  I want to feel them all.  Love, happiness, safety, fear, loneliness, lust, wonder... and so many more.  I just want to give them my full attention.  I want to marinate in the memories of him.  I don't want to go through the old motions like a robot.  But that is exactly what I have to do.  There is no way around it.  So I will keep working.  I will keep defending myself with forms and papers.  Proving that TJ is dead.

I am so looking forward to the time when I can really and truly take care of me and just me.  No more papers, no more obligations from the past.  Only wide open future to embrace.  I know it will come.  All I really want is a balance.  Life has to happen, especially the fundamentals like work and other adult obligations, but balance is exactly what I seek.

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