Friday, May 20, 2011

You know I'll wait...

Today started out wonderfully.  First off, I slept for 7 hours straight.  This hasn't happened in about a month or so.  Secondly, I had a dream about TJ that didn't involve anything bad!  This is huge for me.  I've been asking him and asking God to give me sweet dreams, and I finally got one.  It seems simple, but it means the world to me and I have been playing it over and over in my head again.  Especially the end.

I'm walking to the entrance of Holiday Cinemas.  I see TJ standing there in the glass lobby waiting for me.  Running up to meet him, we buy our tickets and peek in to the theater.  Enlarged to Show Detail 2 is playing.  We're late.  We've missed most of it, so TJ and I decide to leave.  Since we're driving seperately, I think we're catching it at another theater and head over there.  But no TJ in sight.  I buy my ticket and text him to find out where he is.  As I'm watching the movie alone in the theater, I see myself.  In the film.  I'm singing along with Nick Hexum at a show in 2000.  But I'm singing a newer song that wasn't around at the time.  "For you I'd wait forever.  Because I know that one day, we'll be together.  Maybe it's because you know I'll wait.  You know I'll wait.  I'm still waiting."  It's one of my favorite songs to sing.  I love the lyrics, the bass line, and it's totally in my range, so I can sing it really well.  After the movie ends, I head home to my parents house.  TJ is here waiting for me.  I find him in the breakfast room shutting the windows for the night.  As I walk towards him, he puckers up.  Before I open my mouth to speak I give him a peck; "Where were you?  I texted you to see where you went..."  "My cell phone died."  (Typical.)  Then he started to tease me like he always did; "I see how it is, you just run off and have fun without me."  I turn, following him with my eyes as he walks past me toward the kitchen.  I watch him slide up onto the counter to sit.  Smiling, he opens his arms for me to come to him.  I go stand between his legs, leaning against the counter, and nestle myself into my right place.  My safe place.   I feel his strong arms fold around me to hold me tight.  I look up at his beautiful face, and we kiss.

Man, I am crying right now just typing this.  I miss those arms.  I miss that stunning face.  I miss those lips.  Nothing could put me at ease like his lips.  This is the first dream I have had since he died that was like our life before.  I'd only had one other positive dream about him, and that was the night before his birthday.  But in that dream I never saw his face or heard his voice.  I knew he was there, but I never saw him.  This was completely what I needed.  To interact with him, and in a positive way.  All of those divorce dreams, the rejection from him.  It wasn't us.  I know it was my unconscious mind trying to deal with the absense of him.  With the abandonment, albeit involuntary on his part.  But this.  This dream.  I am so thankful.  I just had to get it down.  Now I have something to go back to.  Now I have a new hope to rely on; the hope that this will be the first of many good dreams to come.  I may not be out of the woods as far as nightmares go, but now I know it's possible to have good dreams, too.  Ok, brain, let's even out the score.  I'm routing for team Happy.  Good always prevails over evil.

2 comments:

  1. Courtney,

    In reading your posts, they make me think of a beautiful song. I know how much TJ loved music, but his #1 love was you. I could see it in the way his face changed and his eyes lit up whenever he spoke of you. Here are the lyrics to the song that I want to share with you because they seem to epitomize the love you two shared:

    Whenever I'm alone with you
    You make me feel like I am home again
    Whenever I'm alone with you
    You make me feel like I am whole again
    Whenever I'm alone with you
    You make me feel like I am young again
    Whenever I'm alone with you
    You make me feel like I am fun again

    However far away I will always love you
    However long I stay I will always love you
    Whatever words I say I will always love you
    I will always love you

    Whenever I'm alone with you
    You make me feel like I am free again
    Whenever I'm alone with you
    You make me feel like I am clean again

    However far away I will always love you
    However long I stay I will always love you
    Whatever words I say I will always love you
    I will always love you

    - "Lovesong" by Adele

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  2. Star- what is your name? I'm sorry I don't know this already! I do love that song. I have never heard Adele's version, but the original is The Cure and this was one of TJ and my favorite songs of theirs. Thank you!

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