Monday, May 16, 2011

Wanted: Therapist

So, it's time to find a therapist.  The numbness is definitely gone.  Gone gone gone.  I feel every ounce of pain.  I hear his voice in distress.  The morning plays out in my head almost constantly.  I see him as clear as day; hunched over and desperately trying to breathe.  I hear his gasps for air as if he were right here next to me in my ear.  I have full blown melt downs at least twice a day.  They started last week.  The numbness I had been feeling up until recently didn't take it all away.  I was sad.  Teary.  Weepy.  Whatever.  But these new fits are unlike anything I have had since the day he died.  These are full blown hysterics.  Sobbing, wailing, shaking my head.  Huge tears plopping down from my cheeks and chin.  All I can say is "my baby, my baby, oh, my baby" and shake my head 'no'.  The fam witnessed one of the fits for the first time tonight.  I've been having them in private (just because it happens that way).  But tonight, I was not alone.  Mom held me on my left, Dad held me on my right, and Liv held me from behind.  All just holding me while I sobbed and gasped.

I had known from the beginning that I would be totally open to therapy.  I also knew that I didn't need it yet, and that I felt like I would know when.  Well, tonight I realized that it's time.  It's time for help.  I was never opposed to therapy.  I just wanted to be seeking it rather than doing it just to do it.  At this point in my journey, I am aware in ways I wasn't before.  A new stage of grief.  Or whatever the hell it is.  It sucks.  It sucks hard.  And I need help.  Not just from a therapist, but from everyone.  I'm no longer self conscious about reaching out.  So right now, without fear, I encourage you to do the same.  Talk to a friend you haven't talked to in a while.  Call your Grandma.  Hang out with your Dad over beers.  Check up on that cousin you were so close to but time has changed the relationship. My Auntie M told me when I was 23 "I think about you every day, and then I realized there was no way for you to know that.  I mean, how could you know if I didn't tell you?  So I am telling you now."  This has been an adopted motto of mine ever since.  How would they know if you don't tell them?  And with that in mind, reach out.  And reach out to me if it strikes you; even if you don't know me and just stumble on to this blog.  Even if you know me better than the back of your hand.  Send a text.  Send an email.  Post a comment on this blog.  I have been open.  And I have been strong.  But now is the time for me to try something new.  I recognize this new phase of my journey.  I am ready to step forward. 

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