Sunday, May 29, 2011

To My Dearest Love

Hey baby,

I can't sleep.  I'm looking at a photo of us.  It's the one I was cropped out of for your obituary.   I decided to read my diary.  The last entry before your death, I was going on and on about our trip to Duck, NC.  Finally getting you there, and then for you to tell me it was time to start trying for a baby!  It was such an epic trip.  The next entry I made was on 3-10-11.  It starts with "My love is dead."  What polar opposites.  I read the entry for that day.  About how you died.  About your final moments.  I folded up a funeral program to keep at that page.  I read to myself the list of participants.  Your pallbearers.  I wept for them.  I wept for you.  I miss you so much.

I know it's got to be hard for everyone, just as it is hard for me.  We're all learning together.  I want to be around our friends.  Just to hang out.  It doesn't have to be all gloom and sorrow.  I just want to be around the people that I love.  The people that we love.  It reminds me of you when I can do that with our friends.  It's something familiar in my upside down world. 

I said to our friends after the funeral that I was afraid to be forgotten.  And I am still a little bit afraid, but, I know that I will find my new place in this world.  My place among our friends and families.  It's just something we all have to get used to.  A new dynamic.  I worry, though.  Like you were the glue that kept us all together.

Wherever you are right now, baby, can you please help me?  Talk to God for me?  I wonder if you're watching me right now.  Typing at this little table in my nightgown.  Tear streaked glasses and ratty bed head hair.  I bet you would tell me I looked sexy, just to make me laugh.    You always did know how to make me feel better.  So, do it now.  Make me feel better.  Help me to step out of my own head and not analyze everything to death.  Old habits die hard.  You always said that once I calmed one worry I'd find another.  I'm just so afraid.  I don't know how to not be afraid.  I need you to show me.  I need some peace.  Can you do that for me?  I will love you forever and ever if you do.  Of course, I'll love you forever and ever anyway.  Help me find my way.  Be my guardian.  Be my guide.

I love you more than life itself.  This new life is hard to live right now.  Teach me how to make it better.  Lead me by your example.  Help me to be like you always were; calm, cool, collected.  Smooth as silk.  And tough as nails.  I love you, TJ.  I love you.

Forever yours,
Courtney

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