So, I went to the movies last night. I love movies. I love going to the theater. I've been once before now, and it was relatively fine. The first movie AD, I had a moment in the beginning action scene. While scenes on the screen were blowing up and people were kung-fu-ing, I started to cry. Only because TJ wasn't next to me. We mostly went to the movies together, and when we did we would raise the arm rest and he'd put his arm around me. I could lean in to him and put my hand on his thigh; we could sit together like we always did on our own sofa. But that was the only hard part of my first movie theater experience AD. This one last night was very very different. I saw a romantic comedy, and it was hilarious. I really enjoyed it. But I didn't laugh much. Only because this is the very first time I could relate to the only single girl. She was single, had bad luck with men and had to become the maid of honor amoungst all other married women, and some of them with families. Seeing her pain on screen in certain scenes was way too close to home. That longing in her face for that which she did not have. Her fear of being replaced and forgotten. Watching others evolve when she was stuck. I know I'm making this sound like a depressing drama, but there were moments. In those moments, that is what I saw. And that is, for the first time since I was 17, moments I could relate to. It scared me. I know that it was just a movie. And it was hilarious. But those parts made my skin crawl. Like I couldn't sit still. Sometimes I'd put my hand on my chest to try to calm myself. Lean back and close my eyes for a second. Seeing those flits of emotion on screen made me so uncomfortable.
All of these feelings I've been having are so foreign to me. And to see it portrayed in front of me, and recognize it for what it is, was too much of a reminder. I was trying so hard to keep it light after I left my seat. I tried to recover. But I have a feeling I did a poor job of it. I was too quiet. I caught a huge case of the giggles just after the movie, but when it was no longer funny I couldn't stop them.
Throughout this entire process up to date, I am learning. Constantly learning. About myself, and everything else in between. And last night I learned a new lesson. I'm sticking with action movies for a while. Where shit blows up.