I have a new feeling. Something that has never before presented itself in all my life. I have an undeniable urge to withdraw. To take my kittens, move out into the woods and never look back. This new feeling struck me in church today. Mother's Day. Looking around at all of the happy families over the past two days. Watching the husbands smile at their wives. Watching the children playing. Seeing the family units move together. Synchronized. I know that is not what is meant for me. And something that I can not have. At least not now. Now that TJ is gone. Everything I saw for myself, for us, is gone.
I've never had the desire to be completely alone. Please don't misunderstand; I love my family and friends with all my heart. This is not something I see for myself. It's just a new emotion. That it might be easier to get away. To be alone. To sit in silence and to be.
Recently, I have experienced an unnecessary amount of drama and stress. I feel that this, too, is a contributing factor for my new desire for peace and quiet. If all there is is me, then I don't see how it could be stressful. Sure, I'd get lonely at times. But I am already lonely inside my own mind. The ones who love me can do all they can, but I will still be alone. And I am ok with that. I want those I love to try. I don't want them to give up on me; even if I do pull away momentarily. I need all of them. Almost desperately so. Which is why this shift in focus is so foreign to me, and scary. I don't really want to be alone, but I can see it has it's perks.
Working on the house for upwards of 11 hours a day for an entire week has taken it's toll. I am beyond exhausted, and I just don't see how I can keep up. I am so close to being finished. Once it is done, I feel like I can finally relax. Get back to taking care of myself. I have been pushing myself to emotional limits with this move. Going through TJ's things; being in that house where we shared so much love. It hurts my heart. But it just has to be done. There is no getting around it. I'm tired of pushing. I need to rest.