I feel asleep in tears last night. Thinking about that morning. They way he looked in the hospital room... it makes me cry every time. I remember every detail of the entire morning. The last thing he said directly to me was "I love you". And the last thing I said directly to him was "Oh, baby, I love you, too". That amazes me even now. To know that the last things we said to each other was out of love. So many people don't get to have that. TJ could have been anywhere. But he was with me. And I with him.
I remember everyone's face that morning. I remember everything anyone said to me; TJ lying there in the darkened room. Sometimes when I close my eyes I see him, and it's the image from that morning before they stopped CPR. It's awful. Sometimes my mind just plays that reel. Without even noticing, I relive that morning in my mind. It just plays out. I can't stop it. I hear his voice. His labored breaths. I see him.
I just stopped typing to cry. My mother stood by me and I rested my head on her chest. She was playing "My Heart Sings" by 311. She was singing along. He'd be so proud of her. But as I cried into her chest, I could hear her heartbeat. It was so soothing. And then my mind snapped back to that morning. Hearing the swishing of the ultrasound machine. Praying it was his heart working on its own, only to find out that it was the work of the nurses and doctors. They were tremendous. They worked so hard. I am so thankful for that.
Today will be filled with more financial corrections, negotiations, etc. Tomorrow, and the rest of the week, will be filled with packing up our home. It will be very emotional, I'm sure. But I know I can do it. And that will be one less thing to think about.