I just scrapped my entire blog entry. Three paragraphs deleted in an instant. I was bitching and moaning about the legal issues I've been dealing with. I received three new letters today with people demanding more money. One of which was the IRS. They're taking my return, too. Even though I filed as an innocent spouse. It's all just so frustrating. But it would be so much worse without Barrett and my Dad. They are my hero's. They are doing everything they can for me to help get through this process. I can't thank them enough. Not only for their knowledge and their time, but for their love and support.
Every time I get a letter with his name on it, my heart is heavy. I'm afraid to open it. I'm afraid of who is asking what of me. Asking for what I don't have to give. I gave up my husband. What more is there?
We never really had money. We've been struggling since we got married. It caused us so much stress and anxiety. And yet, when money problems tend to lead to arguments and even divorce for some couples, our money problems only brought us closer. It made what we did have even more important. We had each other to lean on. One to reassure the other that things would be alright. When I would have a melt down about having to pay something late because I just couldn't pay all the bills with my paycheck, he would nod, listen, and wrap his arms around me. He would remind me that it wasn't the end of the world. We still had a little bit of food in the refrigerator. We still had a bed to sleep in. We still had each other. You know that cliche you hear in movies? The one where the rich girl says to the poor boy that she'd live in a cardboard box as long as she was with him. Her soulmate. Well, that was me. I would have been poorest of the poor and still been able to find joy as long as I had TJ by my side.
This is something else I have to do alone now. I have to do this legal/debt stuff for the both of us. But now it is doubled. I have my father and my Barrett to reassure me. But I don't have those loving arms that could make me feel safe. That soothing voice to make me feel calm. There were times I had $1 in my bank account, no food in our cupboards, and no gas in my car, but when TJ told me it was going to be alright, I believed him. When he told me everything would work out, I let it go. Because I had him those other things didn't matter. If he wasn't going to worry, then I wasn't going to worry. Because if TJ said everything would be ok, it always was. Because I had his love. I had his support. I had him.
I feel like I was plugging away; always trying to look for the positive. I know the last two entries haven't been positive. However, I still find time in my day to smile. To laugh. To think of him and not feel empty, but full of love. I have my moments. My moments of despair. But that is all they are. Just moments. That pass in time. I'm ready for this moment to pass. This is why I deleted my first version of this post. It wasn't worth my energy.
I want to focus on moving forward. Rising above. And I'm going to continue to strive for that all the days of my life. If I don't, it'll be the death of me. I'm not ready for death. I've got a lot of work left to do. And I'm going to make it count. I'm going to make TJ proud of his wife.