Thursday, April 28, 2011

A New Sensation

A new sensation has arisen.  I can't begin to describe the many layers of needs that present themselves each day.  Today, and even more tonight, I need physical closeness.  I can't seem to get the kind that I need.  I have hugged a few people today.  I even cuddled with my sister on the sofa.  But I still feel so unfulfilled.  It's been 8 weeks since TJ last held me.  8 weeks since I last felt his lips on mine.  Sure, I miss him every day.  But tonight, I miss his touch more than ever before.

I come from a very affectionate family.  We hug, we kiss, we cuddle.  I was constantly touching TJ in some way.  Rest my hand on his back while he fell asleep.  Come up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist.  Reach up and cup his face with my hands.  To touch him was to connect in a way deeper than words.  I'm not talking dirty.  I'm talking sincere physical connection.  A gesture that says "hey, I'm here right now with you and this is exactly where I want to be".  TJ was a busy body.  He was always working on a new project; studying some new program or instrument.  Sometimes I'd corner him so he'd have to kiss me or hug me to pass.  A toll.  He would usually roll his eyes and give in to me.  Sometimes when we would kiss in passing, he'd break away first.  I'd always say "Oh, but I wasn't done!" and he'd reply "You'll never be done".  And he was right.  I was never, ever finished.  I don't know how to be finished.  But I am.  I will never have that opportunity again.

Every girl dreams of a big strong man that will hold her and make her feel safe.  I wanted that so badly long before TJ came along.  And when I had him...  When I had him, just the simplest touch or lightest kiss would make me melt.  Like my cares and worries would slip away, even if only for that instant.  In that moment, it was just us.  I can't even begin to describe the sensation I have now as I'm writing this.  It is a black hole.  It grows inside my guts.  Starting in the pit of my stomach and working its way outwards to my torso and then my limbs.  It is paralyzing.  I can hardly keep it together enough to move my fingers.  I keep having to take breaks to wipe my eyes so I can see this screen.

I'm not finished.  I'm just not.  I really don't know how to be.  I don't know how to Be.  I don't know how to accept this.  I don't know how to be alone.  I consider myself a sort of feminist.  And yet, I long for the comfort the male sex can bring me.  I know if I were to have the chance to cuddle with a male friend it wouldn't be the same by any means.  But I feel that it could still bring me comfort.  To have someone taller than me to lean in to.  A reminder of what I would have had.  Only different.  I'm not sure if I'm making sense.  No one can replace TJ.  But I feel like I could jog my muscle memory in some way.  When I think of the ways TJ and I used to hold one another I can't remember it.  I can't remember what it felt like.  I just want a reminder.  So I have something to think about at night when I'm alone.  To try and pretend that he is holding me.  That he is with me.  That he is protecting me.

I'm desperate for comfort.  To be cared for.  To be protected.  I feel like this black hole is going to envelope me.  Make me disappear.  I am terrified.  I think it's time for a Xanax.

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