Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Why So Serious?

Last night was hard.  Sleep didn't help me the way I thought that it would.  Today was just a continuation of last nights frustration.  But frustration mixed with self consciousness and over analyzation.  I shouldn't be surprised at the level of vulnerability I feel considering my current state of discovery, and yet I am.  Throughout my revolving assessment of self doubt, the thought that kept coming to the forefront was how TJ always had my back.  He loved me unconditionally.  He made me feel safe.  When I was unsure of myself, when I was worried about what others might be thinking, he was the one who reminded me that everything was ok.  That no matter what the circumstance which caused my insecurities, he would love me and be there for me.  He taught me to be confident.  He encouraged me to take the risk of confrontation; whether it be with another or with myself.  Most of the time these insecurities were projections I was making onto myself with hardly any knowledge of the inner workings of others minds.  I had a tendency to assume, and fear the worst.

He always knew exactly what to say to me to take the edge off.  Or he would take on the unpleasant task of telling me something I may not want to hear, but what he knew needed to be said.  No matter what came out of his mouth, he always had my best interest at heart.  When I have these feelings, I'm still having a hard time self soothing.  I didn't have to really count on myself for all of that support until now.  However, despite having someone to lean on, TJ taught me so much that I always would try to apply my knowledge before asking him for guidance.  I was always learning from him.  Each and every time I'd come to him with a problem I would learn something new.  Even if I was too proud to admit it to him then.  I was a perpetual student.  When he spoke, I listened.  In our time together we taught each other new things in the way we lived and loved.

TJ never had to say much to get his point across.  I am still in awe of his ability to convey such depth in such a matter-of-fact delivery.  In closing tonight, I am going to leave you with an email conversation between TJ and I from October 25, 2010.  Just this past fall.  We had tickets to see the group Underworld.  They were the soundtrack of our early college days.  When the show rolled around, it had been ages since I'd even listened to an album.  When he told me he'd bought tickets I was surprised.  Especially because the show was on a Monday night.  A 'school' night.  When you read the email from me in comparison to the email from him you will laugh.  If you knew TJ I am sure you can hear his voice saying this, just as I can right now.  I feel that all can appreciate his ability to bring joy, relief, lightheartedness, and calm to such a melancholy me.

From: Courtney Luck
To: TJ Luck

"I need you.  I need you so badly.  This day is 100% miserable.  All I can think of is you.  It's the only good thing about today; thinking of you.  I feel just awful.  I need to see you.  I know I have to wait, but every fiber of my being is longing for your voice, your touch, your scent.  I can't wait to feel your soft lips on mine.  To taste your breath when we kiss.  My heart aches for you.  Saying that I love you isn't enough.  Those words could never come close to how I feel about you.  But those are the words that I have, so they will have to do.

I love you, TJ."

From: TJ Luck
To: Courtney Luck

"I love you, too.

 You are going to feel better.  Underworld is going to put their foot up today's ass."

My God, I love that man.  He always knew exactly what to say to make me smile.  And what to say to pull me out of my own mind and back to him.

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