Saturday, April 23, 2011

Just another day

I'm sitting on my sofa, legs propped.  Listening to the sounds of the house.  I am without direction.  I knew I wanted to be alone today with my kittens, but now I'm not so sure.  I'm glad to just be able to sit and think.  But at the same time I feel so strange.  I change my mind a million times a day.  I have such a hard time making the smallest decision.

My little motor boats have just crawled onto my chest.  Lando is curled up under my chin and Alice on my right arm.  I am typing with one hand; now that is determination.  These little moments make me smile, but not much else does.  I feel bad saying that, but it's true.  Don't get me wrong; I have moments of happiness.  But I don't feel happy.  TJ made me so happy.  So happy that the word 'happy' just isn't enough.  Doing things without him, without the promise of him, makes life so sad.

But, thinking of him and my precious memories can bring smiles to my face.  Today in the shower I started laughing to myself.  This time last year TJ and I were hanging out, watching movies (as usual).  He had his bottle of Wild Turkey and he'd gotten me some passion fruit vodka or something.  Well, it tasted pretty good.  So good that at one point I was drinking it on the rocks.  This wasn't smart.  Last Easter morning I woke up with the worst hangover.  I got showered and ready for church, grabbed a huge plastic cup of water, and we hit the road.  Riding in the car was awful.  All of that movement, the turns were the worst.  We arrived and pulled in to a parking space.  I ended up puking so much that I filled up the empty water glass I'd grabbed for the road.  TJ was so sweet.  He drove me to his parents house, started making breakfast for the family, and got me settled on the couch with a blanket.  He said to me later that he was thinking to himself that morning and wondered why I'd chosen the biggest cup in our cabinet, and then being thankful that I had so I didn't throw up all over his car.  Man, that was a horrible morning, but I remember as bad as I felt he still made me smile a million times.

No matter what, he always made me laugh and smile.  I feel sad now looking at pictures of the two of us.  I can't stop looking at my face in them.  I look so unbelieveably happy.  Blissful.  That feeling is so foreign to me now.  I can't remember how it felt.  I can see it.  I can recognize it.  But I can't remember what it felt like to be that happy.

I need to quit clenching.  My muscles are constantly tense and my jaw is tight.  I tell myself to relax when I notice, but it doesn't last long before I go back to my state of tension.   

I am going to try and focus my energy into relaxing today; letting the emotions flow through me.  I do that every day.  I am just hoping for a little peace.


  1. i dont know what to say. i wish i could make it better. i love how strong u are. being tense sucks but it is ok. i think ur body is reacting to him not being near u anymore. i think it is great the love u have and will always have for each other.
    and my god that hang over must have sucked!!!

  2. That's beautiful Courtney. It's amazing how all those things that seemed insignificant at the time were the moments that we cherish. You are so strong. I don't know how you do it. Thank you so much for sharing. You are helping us all heal a little more with every memory and every moment. I hope you can find more moments of happiness in the days to come. You are amazing.