Monday, April 25, 2011

I'm hot.

We all know the temperature is rising here in good old Maryland.  I'm sitting in my humble basement abode and thought to myself "I'm hot".  Almost immediately after the thought entered my mind, I remembered TJ's favorite song.  Ok, so it's not really his favorite song.  In fact, he would tell anyone else that he hated it, or that he had no idea what song I was talking about.  I know he'd kill me if he knew I was telling the world this, but he knew all the words to "Top That".

For those of you who aren't 'in the know', this is the epic rap featured in 1989's "Teen Witch".  If you're so inclined (and you should be...), you can check it out here

We used to reenact the scene in our kitchen.  I'd be filling our water glasses and pulling out ingredients for our evening meal.  He was usually in his boxers and a t-shirt, and I in some sort of nightgown.  While we worked away on dinner he would inevitably come up behind me and goose me.  I'd scream, and yell "stop that!" which would launch him into our rap battle royale.  He'd start with "I'm hot, and you're not".  I would wrinkle my nose at him and hit him with "Top That!  Stop That!  I don't really give a uh about tryin to top that."  Those were really the only words I knew to sing back to him, but man, he was good.  He even did some of the dance moves.  Those were fun times.  I mean, who else would even know that?  "Teen Witch" was my favorite movie ever as a kid.  And he knew that movie!  Not only did he know it, but he knew exactly how cool it was.  Now that's soul mate material right there.

But I digress...

Today was pretty basic.  Actually, I barely moved until around 6:45pm.  I woke up and showered (yay!) and spent the rest of the day in various positions on the couch.  I watched my kitties play, snoozed by the sliding glass doors in the sun room, started designing my new space on the Craftmaster website.  But mostly I zoned out.  No music, no TV.  Just stared out the window.  It's hard to tell you exactly what I was thinking about because I have about 9,327 thoughts per minute (I just pulled that number out of my butt).  I just miss him constantly.  I'm always in a state of emptiness, albeit different levels.  Even when I'm not thinking about him in any sort of specific way or context, my body knows he's gone.  I know I've mentioned this before, but I constantly have to remind myself to relax.  To unclench my muscles, my jaw, my fists.  I point my toes a lot, too.  I mean, ballerina feet till death, but so much more than I've ever pointed before.  Tense tense tense.  I wonder if I'll get lock jaw.  That wouldn't be cool, though I could probably lose a few pounds that way.

When I did finally peel myself off of my real estate in the sun room sofa, I went out to do a few errands for myself, my sister, and my dad.  When I turned left at our 4 way stop arriving home my heart stopped.  TJ's car was parked in front of our house.  It wasn't really TJ's car, but it was another Elantra, same color and everything.  For the most intense millisecond I thought he was here.  Stopping by for dinner or something.  It felt like it took an hour to drive right past it.  My mind slowed down.  As I drove past watching the car it was as if I was going the slowest speed possible; like that scene in the Matrix when Neo is dodging bullets.  I couldn't take my eyes off of that car.  I knew it wasn't his.  I knew he wasn't here for dinner.  But at the same time I wanted it to be so badly.  It didn't make me cry, which came as a surprise.  When I came in the door I mentioned it to the parents and they went to the window to look.  They stood there for some time.  Longer than I'd expected them to linger.  I watched them both standing side by side peering out.  They looked amazing.  They fit together so perfectly.

 That's how TJ and I were.  We just fit.  That should be us.  The couple graying together.  The couple experiencing life together.  All of the good and bad in it.  I always told him that as long as we were together, we could do anything.  As long as I had him I could do anything.  Handle anything.  Do you know what the good thing is in all of this mess?  I still will have his help.  I learned so much from him in the time that we had together on this earth.  I need to get a bracelet that says WWTJD.  I'm always thinking that way.  What would he say to me right now to make me feel better?  What would he encourage me to go out and do with my life?  What would he do to make me smile through my tears?  I don't always have the answer, but I know that the fact that I am trying, the fact that I am still including him in everything I do means something.  Yes, I am alone.  I feel it every second of every day.  But he really is only a thought away.  Sometimes that brings me comfort, sometimes it brings me the purest form of frustration.  I just have to roll with it, though.  There is no way around it.  I'm going to go through it.  And I know he'll help me get to the other side every step of the way.


1 comment:

  1. love you baby girl, and you are so right about having TJ with you every second of every day.