Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Frustration

I can't seem to get a grip.  I have been so extra sensitive.  I'm up, then I'm down.  It's driving me bonkers.  Clenching my teeth has become my new job.  It's gotten to the point that I almost feel relief to crush them into each other.  I try to relax; press my tongue on to the backs of my front teeth to force separation.  But it keeps happening none the less.

As I experience the flow of emotion I feel like they compete for space in my brain.  On one hand, I am overwhelmingly thankful for the life TJ and I had together.  On the other, I feel complete devastation at the loss of my love.  The loss of my future.  The loss of part of my self.  I put a space there on purpose.  My sense of self has been altered.  My path has changed.  Sometimes it is hard to face these drastic fluxuations in mood.  Espeically when they last so long.  Typically, I allow the emotions to come, feeling them with as much intensity and duration as they warrant, and then they settle.  They leave me feeling tired in every sense of the word.  Tonight, I just can't seem to shake it.

I put forth much effort into processing this loss in the ways which are right for me.  I listen to myself and try to let everything flow organically.  I want to feel whatever comes my way.  I don't want to avoid.  I don't want to deny.  I don't want to push it way down.  I don't want to forget.  I don't care how bad it feels.  I don't care if it cripples me.  I want to feel everything that comes with this experience.  Letting each sensation in reminds me that this is all real.  That TJ was real.  That our love was real in the purest form.  His death is a life changing explosion.  My husband is dead.  He's not coming back.  I feel like I clench my jaw to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs.  Not that screaming at the top of my lungs is a bad thing.  On occasion I do let a cry rip from my throat.  But if I didn't try to contain myself it could happen all day if I allowed it to break free.  Not in anger but out of pure, unadulterated frustration.

Whenever I felt impediment I could turn to TJ for relief.  He would crack a joke, or just talk me down from my heights.  But now, in these current moments of frustration, his absence is painfully obvious.  I haven't yet figured out this one on my own.  How to talk myself down.  How to regulate.  This is when I feel utterly alone.  I really haven't figured anything out on my own yet.  I know people tell me to give myself more credit for how I turned out.  And I do.  I agree that I am 'handling' this well.  Whatever that means.  I guess as well as can be expected when your entire world is turned upside down, shaken with vigor, and erased like an etch a sketch.  Ok, so that was a damn good analogy.  See, I am giving myself credit where credit is due.  And now I'm talking to myself.  Don't call the men with the white jackets.  White washes me out somethin fierce.

But really.  Where do I go from here?  How do I lift myself up?  How do I keep on keepin on?  TJ was always the reason I got out of bed every day.  TJ continues to be that very reason I get out of bed every day.  He was my life coach.  He was my biggest fan.  He wants me to be complete.  I keep getting up every day to make sense of it all.  To explore the depths of my mind.  To find my desires.  To carve out my new path to fulfillment.  He always used to tell me that there was only so much he could do for me to make me happy.  And that I had to do the rest myself.  Hey, Universe, this is one sick and twisted way of forcing me to do just that.  But, one thing I have learned through this experience thus far is that I am a lot tougher, a lot stronger, and a lot more positive than I'd ever given myself credit for in the past.  So, I'm going to take that and run with it.  Until the next accomplishment comes along.     

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