Well, I've made it through the day. I know I'm not ready for bed but today has been full. Full of family. And yet the biggest part of me was missing. I cried in church. Singing hymns of praise and resurrection. Is it wrong that I wished for TJ to rise instead of Jesus? Sorry, I guess I'm going to hell for that one. This is the 3rd time I've been to church without TJ by my side. Truth be told, we would always mess around for the most part. Like we were more like 15 year olds. We'd nudge each other if we saw a funny hair cut, giggle and cover our mouths quickly because of certain lyrics. He'd point out a kid with some serious snot hanging out of their nose. Or if there wasn't anything exciting to see, we'd just hold hands. When it came time for the sign of peace I was always so glad to have another excuse to kiss his lips. I had to. It was our sign of peace. I sat there during Easter mass today and thought of one Sunday the first summer we were dating. I remember coming back from communion and seeing him with his family. I didn't know they had planned on attending the same mass as mine. He didn't take his eyes off of me for one second as I walked towards my seat. I felt my entire body catch fire with blush. I would look at him and smile shyly, then look down at my feet. It was like I was the only one in the room for him. After mass we caught up with each other and he said to me "Courtney, you can't wear that in church! You look too hot. You can't be lookin hot in church. It makes me think bad things..." And do you know what? I still remember exactly what I was wearing that day. I was wearing a boat neck raspberry colored tank top and a long skirt down to my ankles. It was made of different silk scarves. Patch work if you will. It had a fabric lining behind the sheer panels. But it wasn't sexy in the least. Not that I could see. But to him I was beautiful.
I went for a ride in the "country" after I left my in-laws. I needed some time alone in the sun. It was such a sunny day today. I drove down past Sunday's Lane and pulled over into some grass by a creek. The creek I discovered this time last year. I was out riding with my camera and would pull over when I saw something pretty. This time I did the same as last time, minus the camera. I strolled lazily back to the creek, my long skirt flowing in the wind. It's funny that today I was wearing a tank top and long skirt to my ankles. I have to wonder if he would think I was beautiful today just as he had all those years ago. I stood over the creek, watching it flow under the small bridge I was standing upon. I thought about the flow of the water. Looked at the stones on the creek bed. There was a tree branch that had been pinned down under the water and the top of the branch worn white. It was really beautiful. I could feel the sun on my face and the cool breeze. At that moment I'm not even sure what I was thinking. I think at that moment I wasn't really thinking at all. And for me, lately, that's hard to stop myself from doing. I didn't stay long. I thought about walking down and dipping my toes in. But there was so much mud from all of the rain and I thought it wouldn't be wise in the white sandals I was wearing. So I walked back to the car, sad to leave the sound of the rushing water.
There are so many beautiful things in the world. Whenever I'd voice an observation of beauty in nature to TJ he'd turn to me and say "Oh, you like that, huh? Well... I made that for you". Every time he would say it I would have the same reaction; I'd gaze up at him, smile, and lean in for a kiss. I feel so sad that I will never hear that again when I see something beautiful. I am so sad that I will never gaze at him lovingly again. I am so so sad that I will never feel the warmth of his soft lips again. As much beauty as there is in the world, it doesn't seem to invoke the same amount of joy now that I don't have him to share it with.
I thought that when I'm ready to move out on my own that I would absolutely get a place downtown. Preferably 3rd or 4th Street to be near the cemetery. But driving back off of Sunday's Lane (and all other points beyond that I know but don't know the names of) made me wonder if I could settle in a quaint house back in the mountains. With lots of green and yellow. With hills and gorgeous views with so many trees. I need light. More than ever now. Because TJ was my sunshine. My only sunshine. He made me happy when skies were gray. But I think he knows, dear, how much I love him. But my sunshine was taken away. And I can't have him back, no matter how much I beg and plead now in my prayers.